10 Best Things About BDSM
» BDSM, D/s, S&M: Speculations
People love these ten best sorts of lists. I don’t know why, suggesting that you fit in ten anything is confessing that you are generic. But as someone who did market research for many years I know that unconscious involuntary conformity is even truer than I thought as an angry teen.
1) Finding the ideal complement, partner. (Kink was much of the grease and certainly is part of the glue. There’s much else besides but without the matched desires we might have never discovered how we can bond.)
2) Achieving ecstatic experiences. Sex, of course, is swell. There’s an old clichι about baseball that it is 50% mental, the other 90% is physical. (And if I’ve botched the citation I don’t care.) While S&M is of course very physical the real power is in the heart and mind. People ruin their lives chasing intoxicants that they hope will give them the pleasure that I’ve found at Alexandra’s feet.
3) Living fantasies. For the mundane masses of men that is probably getting to bed a famous star or playmate. Given their sexual capacity that is - what - fifteen minutes at best: then they are probably left hungry for the next famous hottie on their list. With Alexandra it has been a couple of hours on a few lucky nights. And rapture from the experience recollected in tranquility glowed warmly for days, weeks and months afterwards. And I know longer wonder what the experiences would be like: I’ve lived them.
4) Self-knowledge. One of the ways in which I feel disconnected from the majority is that learning about themselves doesn’t seem wonderful in itself. Maybe they are the shallow people Oscar Wilde spoke of. Once you’ve lived through a fresh experience how can you not know yourself just a bit more?
5) Growth. Not only do I know myself better but I’ve adapted to some of that knowledge.
6) Freedom. As your fantasies are lived and you come to see yourself more clearly you mind isn’t bound by cravings. Sure there are as yet unsatisfied longings but you have a reasonable expectation of having them satiated.
7) Peace. Even if every possible libidinous itch isn’t scratched they no longer nag at you. Or if you are still wishing to have some special wicked act performed upon your person you have it in perspective and know that your life will be complete without it. (Please, please do it anyway he whimpers.)
8) Community. Your kink may not be my kink but we can still stand at the borders and talk. Everybody has to find her or his way to erotic nirvana. Differences need not put us apart.
9) Sharing. As I’ve learned about what men with needs and desires similar to mind are hoping to find I’ve created pages and entire websites to help them find it.
10) Self-expression. On this site alone I’ve crafted almost one thousand pages. My real audience is myself. Alexandra is second. I know that seems to violate the laws of BDSM. But as long as what I write is transparently from within it can only be good for her. Even if she doesn’t read the words the expression is part of the self-discovery that enables me to be as honest as possible.
Now I pass this meme, project, what-ever-you-call-it along to you.
In a comment below or on your own blog I challenge you to share what your dominance or surrender, your sadism or masochism adds to your own life. The number ten is arbitrary. Had we a different number of fingers these online lists would be of a different number.
If you do post a list on your own site I hope you’ll post the link below so I can see how your feelings harmonize or depart from mine. As long as you’ve found your own path to self-fulfillment, even if it is as yet unrealized I’ll enjoy reading your feelings.
And please link to this post if you do.
Also:
10 Quotes About Labels in BDSM
Comments
I agree totaly!!!!Im still nervous and scared about feiends and family knowing but now im starting to not worry about it, I need to be happy and not worry what others think. Its a sexy turn to have a women dominate and control you in a nonharmful way. Im open to having women put makeup and dresses on me, but not into other guys or gay. I just need to open up and find women that are into doing that to me. For me its not so much the sex. Its finding my peace and my soft feminate side
Posted by: Moose | November 18, 2006 6:57 AM
Don’t worry, there are plenty of women willing to do that.
The one thing I’d remind any guy just starting out is: don’t forget your own self-respect. Women don’t really want someone who is “worthless” as many men like to describe themselves.
Posted by: Richard | November 18, 2006 7:10 AM
I tried to post my blog link on your blog but it wouldn’t work so I am leaving you a comment.
I only had a Top 5 list but I think its still cool :) Feel free to check it out.
http://uncollaredknight.blogspot.com/2006/11/10-best-things-about-bdsm.html
Posted by: Queen Stacey | November 18, 2006 10:13 AM
What a wonderfully written, thought provoking article. I’m not sure I could think of anything to add for myself but I will give it some thought.
All your reasons combined spell happiness - something that seems to be elusive for so many, vanilla and kinky alike.
Posted by: Lady Julia | November 18, 2006 11:14 AM
People love these ten best sorts of lists. I don’t know why, suggesting that you fit in ten anything is confessing that you are generic.
I’m always reminded of the big ado over the possible end of the world at the millenium - the assumption being that God or the universe works on the decimal system.
More toward the topic, though, I really need to think about this. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been in a relationship in which unfettered (ahem) BDSM had any real presence.
Although maybe approaching this from the back end, I might say that I miss both the freedom I’d felt, and the “ecstatic experiences” that it allowed me to have.
Tom Allen The Edge of Vanilla
Posted by: Tom Allen | November 18, 2006 11:17 PM
I really do agree with this. Being a really shy person naturally it took the right person to come along and help me explore this and become comfortable with myself and that has made me very very happy..but happiness is nothing unless you can share it.
Posted by: This Girl | November 19, 2006 9:28 AM
For BDSM to take on this depth and quality finding the right person is the only thing that can make it work.
Posted by: Richard | November 19, 2006 5:02 PM
That was an excellent post!
I think you covered everything, though I know you get the gift of being able to give to someone as well. That is equally true on both sides.
Posted by: Alexandra | November 19, 2006 7:32 PM
Without you I’d probably never known these feelings or understood what a loving relationship that includes D/s can be.
Love you!
Posted by: Richard | November 19, 2006 7:41 PM
Women can be aroused by thoughts alone. - And for a long time I thought I’m the only woman around dreaming of kinky, sexy stuff to walk that path of thoughts. But, hey, time on the internet told me that there are many others. Unfortunately there are few, who made their fantasies reality. So you’re right, Richard, the most important thing is to find a partner to cherish mutual sensation in a D/s relationship.
Posted by: WingfootsLady | December 5, 2006 2:40 PM
Sadly I think social conditioning still to a degree leaves women less likely to discover their atypical desires than men. Or at least to suppress them.
For those of us in the industrialized west that seems to be changing. Hopefully the women of the future will have unparalleled opportunities to realize their sexuality.
Posted by: Richard | December 5, 2006 7:40 PM
Priceless. No additions necessary. Thank you Richard for reminding us of what the important things really are.
Posted by: Mistress160 | February 20, 2007 10:08 PM
FOR ABOUT 3 YEARS I HAVE BEEN CURIOUS TO FRUSTRATED ABOUT SUB TO A WOMAN/WOMEN.MY IMAGINATION PLUS READING STORIES OF HUM & EMBAR FUEL MY FRUITLESS LABOR OF WRITING HUNDREDS OF IDEAS FOR GAMES ROLE PLAYING AND SENERIOS AIMED AT ENTERTAINING,PLEASING AND OR WORSHIPING OTHERS(FEMALES}WHILE PUTTING ME IN COMPROMISING POS. TO TEST MY LIMITS BUT PRIMARILY GEARED FOR LAUGHS.I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY ICANT FIND A WOMAN WHO WOULDN’T LIKE WINNING A BET THAT PUTS ME DOING THREE HOUSEHOLD CHORES ON A SATURDAY MORNING WITH ACOUPLE OF HER FRIENDS OVER FOR COFFEE WEARING ONLY A APRON AND THONG OR ? I HAVE A THING ABOUT HAVING TO LOSE A BET OR GAME IN ORDER TO SUBMIT TO ANYONE BUT AM A MAN OF MY WORD AS LONG AS THE WAGERS ARE WORTHY. IS THIS A COMMON CURIOSITY OR FETISH?
Posted by: Anonymous | March 16, 2007 10:23 AM
Caps lock is usually on the left side of the keyboard in case you were looking for it.
Posted by: Alexandra | March 16, 2007 10:45 AM
Thanks for this list. My subby-bf and I both enjoyed it and found it well summarizes the best of a D/s relationship. Newbies may look at things like fantasies, ecstatic experiences, freedom, and peace as goals, but in twenty years of D/s relationships and marriages, the elements of self knowledge and growth have been the most important for me. It is only in the past few years that I have begun to incorporate BDSM community and sharing into my life. I am looking forward to the next chapters! I would not change my Dominant nature and needs for anything. I feel life is tremendously rich for having BDSM as part of it. As always, I appreciate your thoughts Richard. Keep up the great work. :-)
Posted by: Mistress QueSera | March 17, 2007 9:58 PM