Bad Things About Femdom

» BDSM, D/s, S&M: Speculations

Chastity is improving

There’s nothing unwholesome about orgasm denial and chastity regimens as a form of play. But saying a CB6000 makes a man a better human being is repulsive. If having an orgasm makes a guy less kind and helpful he should seek a therapist. Really I suspect that post-orgasm misbehavior is a subterfuge to make sure that thrilling MCD goes back on.

Women are better than men

Yeah, look at the recent women executives at Hewlett Packard. Margaret Thatcher anyone? The ideology of superior female niceness was fostered by men to restrain women, keep them out of politics, the professions and business. (And even thought to prove that female brains were smaller than male brains.)

Elise Sutton certainly gave this myth a boost. Mythology is best left a source of aesthetic pleasure. (Recently I read an essay by a feminist cultural critic saying that the legend of the Amazons isn’t necessarily a good model for strong women: they always lost to men.)

Sub / Subbie / Subby

I’m a submissive person, thank you. These deplorable diminutives embrace just about every silly cliché associated with femdom. And I think people engaged in power exchange should develop their own language. Beyond the capacity of many I admit. But they can avoid the most stale words and phrases.


This seems to be hugely popular among the Female Led Relationships folks. Were it being used for fun I could see it as nasty in a good way. But it seems to be used earnest piety that makes my skin crawl.

I’m worthless

If you call yourself worthless then you are making a good case for literally being so. Wake up you pathetic worm! If a woman is such a glorious being why would she want a man of no value? Wouldn’t she naturally hold out for a man of worth?

Do whatever you want

How nice, you want to give her anything. Two kinds of men offer this sort of unlimited power to dominant women. 1) Guys so drunk with fantasy that they have never had a single realistic thought about F/m relationships. 2) Men who will “do anything” as long as it matches their fantasies: wearing frilly panties perhaps.

NB: dominant women usually delete emails containing this special offer.

Fellatio is evil

There are men so lost in their emotional masochism that they come to think of a woman performing oral sex a femdom crime. If you are really making a present of your penis then shouldn’t she be able to do with it what she wishes?

(There are submissive men who are uncomfortable any form of sex other than cunnilingus. But that is beyond my purview.)

Sissies are inferior

I’m a great respecter of male femininity. And understand that for some men feminization is their only means of coping with gender confusion and latent bisexuality. While I don’t suggest they should abandoned being sissified facing these internal conflicts shouldn’t be evaded.

My problem with sissification is when being made more feminine is a form of degradation. Your kink isn’t my kink aside it is so terribly sexist. Accept your feminine qualities and bisexuality.

She’s always right

Also known as: It is always my fault.

No she isn’t. At least outside of a scene or a session. Relationships built on lies fail. It is that simple.

I’ve actually seen adopting this offered as serious advice to submissive men.

Inspired by Bitchy Jones’ Just Six Little Words :Six words that ought to be banished forever from the realm of femdom.

In early 2005 I wrote My Personal D/s Idiolect.

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Love your blog.

Everyone seeks a balance which will hopefully lead to happiness. In an effort to communicate we create labels, and since everyone is different and no two relationships are ever the same, such labels often fall short. A label that works for one individual or one couple may be useless or even harmful to others. Because we all need to communicate, we need labels from time to time, and it would seem that harm from labels could best be avoided by attempting to see them as simply communication devices and not take them too personally. Easier said than done, I know, and I agree with most of your observations. It’s a tough one, knowing what to call something and getting it right.



My only goal with lists like these is to encourage people to try to think in terms of their individual aesthetics and psychology.

(And to vent a bit.)

While i may not always agree with, i really appreciate the way you speak your mind. You keep right on venting g

I like how you hinted at the fact that creating your own language is the key takeaway from this. :) Or at least I think so anyway.

That was the case I’ve tried to make more explicitly in entries like My Personal D/s Idiolect.

My main argument with the words and phrases above is that they are used unthinkingly and impersonally. There’s no escaping that part of defining yourself is assembling your own idiom. And if you use other people’s language you are going to be living other people’s lives.

(Damn I must’ve taken a serious pill today.)


I agree with you on the sillyness of “female superiority” taken out of context. In play, it is perfectly good. In reality, I am afraid, females would mess up this world as fast or as easily as males.

But the reason for my response is to offer a different point of view on what you said, “She’s always right[.] Also known as: It is always my fault.”

My interpretation of that is “I know that she is perhaps wrong as often as I, but I give her the power to be right anyway.” My position is that I will support her in all, except what may be harmful on the long run. She will know if she makes a mistake, and correct it at her time of choosing. Meanwhile I feel good about truly serving her.

I understand what you are saying. But in any relationship glossing over or being silent about a problem is never a good idea.

I want to comment on “She’s always right.” My roommate tells a story where three baseball umpires are talking. (For foreigners, one task of umpires is to determine whether a ball thrown to the batter is legally hittable - a strike - or not - a ball.)

The youngest umpire says, “Well, I look at it, and I try to see if it’s a ball or a strike, and then I call it.”

The more experienced umpire says, “I just look at it. If it’s a ball, I call it a ball. If it’s a strike, I call it a strike.”

The oldest umpire says, “You two have it all wrong. It’s not a ball or a strike until I call it.”

So the question I ask myself as a dom is, do I want to be like the third umpire? And the answer is no. I want to be like the second one: fair and correct. If I am wrong or unfair, I want my submissive to point it out to me, and to argue with me.

At the same time, he’s agreed that if he disagrees with me and I persist, I get to have my way (subject to safewords, his right to withdraw consent, etc.) But if that happened very many times, I know he would lose respect for me, and it would destroy his trust.

I was actually thinking of you when I made my reply: how you handle things with Jos.

Almost every bottom thinks the idea of the top being always somehow “in the wrong” a hot fantasy. But only emotionally messed up people would try to actually live that way.

I wonder if the hot part is being wrong, or having the partner always be right? Maybe some of each, and I’m sure it’s really individual.

Personally, I don’t want a relationship with someone who keeps their brain turned off in order to deal with me. It’s OK if it shuts off sometimes, like when he kneels at my feet. But I want the regular rational thought capacities of an adult most of the time. And that means valuing truth and fairness more highly than my whims (as I myself do, as best I’m able).

Both. The hotness is in the loss of freedom. I hope it is just a submissive male fantasy thing and that people don’t try to live in that context.

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