Defining Domme

» BDSM, D/s, S&M: Speculations

Alexandra was playing a word game and was a trifle peeved it wouldn’t accept Domme as a legitimate word.

Surprisingly if you type “define: Domme” in Google you’ll get pointed to a Russian site. Nothing else.

So how would one define Domme?

Domme, noun: a woman who enjoys, possibly prefers a position of authority in her erotic relationships. These relationships may or not involve sexual contact. The range can be from taking control to treating another person as owned property. A Domme might be distinguished from a dominatrix. Dominatrix often implies that the woman is a professional sex worker, sometimes denoted as a ProDomme. Dominatrix also has a common, vulgar usage to describe any assertive female.

This is a spur of the moment thing. I’m not greatly attached to it. Care to add a gloss or quibble?

One caveat: I reject a priori formulations like “true Domme.” Different women will have different, needs, goals, expectations, desires. Dommes come in more than 57 varieties or 32 flavors.

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Domme, noun: A woman who acts out the role of the dominating partner in a relationship.

All I did was copy the entry for dominatrix from and remove the word “sadomasochistic” they put before the word “relationship.” It’s simple and to the point, but it works for me.

Your definition noted “erotic” relationships. A domme looking for no-strings housework is still a domme, even though there may be nothing erotic involved.

Then again the entry I copied said “acts out the role” while I would simply say “is the dominating partner.”

You say tomaytoes, I say tomahtoes. But I think the definition of “domme” should be as simple as possible. Maybe some other time we can have fun defining “True Domme.” :)


I did try to deal with your point by noting the lack of sexual contact.

I’ll stick to erotic. Even if she is just looking for a clean floor the person who cleans that floor would have an erotic need to do the work. I honestly cannot conceive of it otherwise or think of anybody I’ve ever known who enjoys serving in a submissive role who doesn’t have some erotic component attached.

I can see why they’d say acts out the role. Legally you can’t do otherwise. Not an unimportant distinction since some who’ve forgotten it are in jail now.

I’m not sure if I’m comfortable making Domme and dominatrix equivalent terms. But will freely admit this is an issue of personal aesthetics and not lexicography.


Well a FEM DOMME cannot be a FEM DOMME unless a submissive excepts her …if there is no submissive need then there is no DOMINANT one either …I love these wonderful cirles dont you sigh!

You say tomatoe.. I say tomato.. It’s all good! Being one in the lifestyle of BDSM and a Domme for more than 30 years, I had to laugh at your definition of Domme.

First of all, the word Domme is the feminine of the male word Dom. Both are Latin based words. People will argue the semantics on the pronunciation of the word, but it is pronounced the same as the male: Dom. The e is silent. It stems from the Latin word Domna. Ergo: domina domna: lady, mistress. dominus domno: master, lord. domito: To tame, subdue, break in.

And the word Dominatrix is also Latin: dominatus: rule, mastery, tyranny, domination.

In the realm of BDSM the combination and definition are infinite depending on what school of thought one follows or was trained in. Some are simply Hedonist that play in BDSM using it to elevate or enhance their sexual heights. These tend to be the people who do the role-play.

However, those of us that live the lifestyle, practice it and play in it understand that it has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. It is about the exchange of power and control.
It’s allowing someone else (Dom, Domme, Mistress, Lady, Master, Lord) to control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange of power will go but the rules of “safe, sane and consensual” must always apply. In other words.. you set your boundaries and limits..and I or whomever you elected to play with MUST respect those limits. To do otherwise would be a flagrant act of abuse and misuse of One’s power as a Dominant. So to answer your question the long way around, A Domme is a female dominant. She is the one in control, whether she is a Pro Domme or just Domme.

As for legally not being able to do otherwise, I differ with your statement, Richard. The States Laws that Govern All Adult Sex Workers, as we are now defined, clearly states what one can and cannot do before you cross the line into prostitution. But please understand these same laws that govern My actions as a Pro Domme, also cover ANYONE who plays in the realm of BDSM.. be it D/s B/d Or S/m.

So when I am playing in My personal life as a Domme within My own BDSM community, I am still governed by the same laws. I can still be arrested if I cross those lines. What each of us must consider is the fact that the same moral majority that went after Gays, now declare anyone playing in the realm of BDSM, especially S/m do not meet community standards. That FBI undercover as well as many states Vice undercover sting operations are in progress targeting SMers.

This was just meant as whimsy. No lexical skill or knowledge claimed.

I’ve written about the new wave of persecution here and elsewhere. A truly sad time for many engaged in BDSM.

Iam submissive male who wishes to be a slave to a dominant female(no fees) Iam finding it difficult, have you or anyone got any info on sites, or maybe email addresses of dominant females, thanks.

That doesn’t have anything to do with the topic of this entry.

Go to and establish a good profile that will give a woman to be interested in your service.

For my own purpose, I don’t use titles and consider myself a dominant female, nothing fancy or trendy. Domme is a bastardization of dominant female as is FemDomme. FemDom is just short of Female Dominant. Lifestyle people prefer descirptions, not titles to which stereotypes are attached. I prefer interactions of an intimate and personal nature to be with males who are the yin to my yang, rather than the more traditional (for lack of a better word) self absorbed “macho” male. I stay away from many who are “dablling” because they don’t understand the dynamic behind the activities, they just want to experience the activities. I am not saying anything is wrong with that, but a dominant female has no desire to just “act”. I believe the word Domme was coined to make the person acting in the role more “playful” and more erotic to those who dabble. But as we often do, we have diluted and destroyed the original definition of a female who tends to be dominant in life and love by reducing her to a stereotype of superficiality and self-centeredness. This makes me sad but I cannot change the trend unfortunately.

It is tough to escape clichés and stereotypes. I rarely use the word Femdom because when I see it I mostly think of porn sites.

For me a sub will probably always remain an aquatic craft and submissive an adjective but never a noun.

Not that I don’t have my own clichés. I like the word Domina. Partly because a favorite writer of my youth used the word domnei as a synonym for the chivalric adoration of women or as he called it lady-service.

The loss similarity of the two words would be invisible to anyone who hasn’t read the same minor novelist.

But in focusing on what the words mean to me I’m striving to stay in touch with my deepest and most authentic feelings.

Quite often when many people think about the BDSM scene the images which spring to mind are those of flogging, whipping etc. For me personally though what most appeals is the sensual and erotic nature of it all. I consider it to be a way of truly setting yourself free and fully expressing your needs. Imagination is a magnifecent stimulant. Being at the feet of a dominant woman and allowing yourself to embrace your submissive nature is a wonderful feeling. I believe that there is more honesty and respect to be found in a sub/dom relationship than in many vanila ones. Would be interested in hearing from any dominant women who would be willing to teach me more about the scene as i believe that i still have a great deal to learn and always relish stimulating conversation.

I had find this site by research of what many have questioned my thoughts as being a dominant female in the BDSM lifestyle. I have always wanted to know why many use FemDom; so my research had lead me here. I enjoyed reading what many had said and their thoughts on it. For some reason, the many sites I had been to had used such labels to sound as if it is porn or a female/female dominant couple. Though my thoughts on it are still a bit curious as to the term. I am from the old south and many a dominant woman were just could Madame, Mistress or Master. The term FemDom is surely a new age title for women to use or subs to define what they are looking for. Though I am sure many might disagree; but I know that each person has a right to their own thoughts. Though what I have read here has surely enlightened my ideas and thoughts of what to consider.

I disagree that one cannot be dominant if there is no submissive involved. Being dominant is not necessarily an act of being dominant. It is also how a person thinks or feels about themselves.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Defining Domme. Please stick to the topic of the entry. Forthright disagreement is fine as long as it is civil.
My thanks,


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