Dominance: Natural or Nothing?
» BDSM, D/s, S&M: Speculations
From an email of a newly self-discovered Domina:
My BF said something like I'm a latent or natural domme and that surprised me
My own feeling is that it is natural or nothing.
I remember the first time I actually felt that Alexandra would get pleasure from making me miserable. The jolt to my nervous system was strong it was if I'd been plugged into the city power grid. Just knowing that she would enjoy my suffering gave me an ecstatic endorphin rush that lasted for several minutes.
If I didn't feel her natural dominance there'd be nothing for me. If our D/s were something she had to force or fake there'd be no joy.
Some men and women probably do find themselves forced into being (or playing at) being dominant or sadistic. They must find it draining and frustrating. And I can't imagine what it would be like for someone who doesn't have the gift of true masochism to be whipped.
Perhaps some people without innate dominant or submissive natures can by forcing themselves into the role come to enjoy it. I doubt it. If your personal history hasn't made D/s something you need it is probably best left alone.
Or do you disagree?
Comments
I saw that u know exactly what femdom stands for. Now explain to this illiterate femdom, what ‘natural’ means.
Posted by: Ayesha | March 25, 2005 12:52 AM
Illiterate? I don’t think so.
That aside from an initial freeing yourself of social conditioning your actions aren’t forced. That in dominating or surrendering you are being yourself.
Is that an adequate gloss?
Posted by: Richard | March 25, 2005 6:17 AM
Just about every man I’ve met to play with as a domme in the past couple months has the same story: “My wife/girlfriend tries/tried to be dominant because she knew I liked it, but it never works. She’s too afraid she’ll hurt me. Eventually it screwed up our sex life completely.”
I think you are absolutely right on about the desire to hurt/dominate a man needing to be innate (natural) for a woman in order for it to work. I would go further and say, on top of it, she must naturally love even the BDSM activities you love. I have found that I adore spanking men—and yes, I get turned on by the pain they experience, by the marks (oh, I really get turned on by that), by their responses, everything. But I have a hard time getting into a BDSM headspace without a punishment element; and so I’m not sure I would (for example) be the woman for a man like you, even though the vanilla world would totally lump us together. We share the same “natural” desires to hurt and to be hurt, but the execution (so to speak) is different enough that we might not mesh. If we couldn’t mesh, then a woman who isn’t into it AT ALL is surely not going to mesh with a man who is.
Posted by: Julie | March 25, 2005 10:05 AM
Yeah, for two people to be able to play together there need’s to be shared nuances, particularities.
Though I must be doing a poor job of telling my story if it sounds like I don’t like ‘punishment.’ Though I guess even that has its nuances. But I find it very thrilling when Alexandra seems angry with me and ‘corrects’ some action.
Thanks.
Posted by: Richard | March 25, 2005 2:34 PM
It was u who labeled me as an illiterate, remember?
Considering, “….your actions arent forced.”, according to u, non-consensual femdom must be unnatural .
Posted by: Ayesha | March 25, 2005 5:23 PM
Finally realized which entry you are referring to. I’d never quibble with a dominant female with her usage of the word Femdom.
Could you please tell me what nonconsensual Femdom is? Do you perhaps kidnap a man off the street and enslave him? Or do you mean that when a man submits to you that there is no backing out?
I’ve been meaning to write an entry about why I don’t think I’m fit for lifestyle slavery. Been in the back of my mind since you first commented. I’ll try to get to it. I don’t think you’ll agree with it but hopefully it will make my perspective clear and not seem hostile.
Posted by: Richard | March 25, 2005 5:43 PM