D/s : Another Model
» BDSM, D/s, S&M: Speculations
An interesting conceptualization of D/s from many years ago on usenet:
I enjoy hearing how others define and interpret key BDSM trigger words like "submissive" and "slavery" for themselves -- it's always enriching.
And to add another perspective -- I've gotten to the point where I am viewing D/s less in terms of concepts like "power exchange" and more along the lines of "energy exchange".
For example, I distinguish between "being dominated" and "giving submission" as two different kinds of energies. I like to have both going on at the same time, so that I feel that there is a balance between the energy I put out as a dominant and the energy I receive back from a submissive.
Given this personal paradigm shift, I see slavery as less and less about some kind of "total" submission; and more about a balanced transaction between dominant and submissive. For example, I tend to view "submission" as something that happens in the theatrics of high-intensity dramas of scene-space (or playtime). It's something that I enjoy defining and molding in that space, which I associate as performative and exploratory. In my lexicon, a submissive is someone who desires/needs/enjoys the experience of another person's control, power, and to a certain degree guidance for set periods of time.
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IMX, good dominants and good owners -- whether they play only once a month on weekends or are always "in role", have a good grasp of their bottom's boundaries. The way a dominant or submissive relates to the experience of "boundaries" seems to have less to do with the intensity of the power-exchange and more to do with their wiring for risk-taking/edgeplay. I know non-submissive bottoms who will approach play with extroardinarly minimal boundaries -- and that's not because they engage in a "deeper" power exchange with their top,but simply because they have a more intense need for the erotics of "being at risk" or a more intense need to experience the erotics of "challenge". I also know non-submissive bottoms who don't play with safewords, for similar reasons.
This is not to say that in some relationships, the relinquishing of a safe-word may be viewed as an act of trust and committment; but sensible people who only minimally eroticize risk and boundary-transgression aren't going to do this in any context without trust and committment -- and again, I don't see how that has much to do with the intensity of the power exchange.
As I said earlier, however, it's less about power-exchange for me and more about energy-exchange.
Dominating a person fuels a certain need I have -- which primarily centers around the power-rush of creating a situation where I can profoundly affect another person's headspace. (This is why I particularly eroticize headfucking, though I also see things like encounters with fear, embarrassment, and general button-pushing to be agents of growth when used correctly.)
Receiving submission fuels an almost entirely need -- to be perceived, understood, and feel the sense that someone is building their life around me.
