Individuality and Kink

Well said! I grew to enjoy bdsm in a one-on-one relationship, not involved with other bdsm-ers in any way, whether in person or online. And I continue to think in that mindset, not trying to fit into someone else’s mold, someone else’s idea of what a sub “should” be.

While I am now involved in the local scene, I don’t allow any others to dictate who I am or what I do. I really don’t understand how people can break away from all the normal rules then throw away that newfound freedom by constraining themselves with a new set of rules and protocol.

As ever, Richard, you are not only incredibly eloquent but also very wise. I’m envious of your gift of communication.

Hmm. I wouldn’t say that BDSM is just a fuckstyle. I think there are in fact people who are into spending their lives serving or creating structures of service for others. I think domination and submission can be personality traits, not just indications of how someone likes to fuck. I’m not very fond of generalizations that say this is ALL sex, just as I’m not fond of generalizations that suggest this isn’t a kink but rather a “higher calling.”

It’s a bunch of different things to a bunch of different people. Wanting to own someone is not just about wanting to fuck for hours and hours to me. Sure, that’s a big part of what I love about this stuff. I’d never deny that. But my needs in a relationship are shaped by my dominance as well. It’s not that my being dominant means either fucking or love — and I wish to high heaven that BDSMers would stop talking like it’s got to be all about one or the other.

That — well, and the fact that I’m bi — is part of the reason I don’t consider myself a “femdom” despite really loving submissive men. (The other major part is “fem” suggests I’m feminine. Nope. Rather butch, to be honest. I like it that way.)

This entry was more polemic than analysis. Sometimes I’m reacting to the effects of Elise Sutton and her acolytes.

Now I do believe there is always an erotic element in BDSM. Or, rather, it is an axiom of mine. Call it a failure of empathy: even if I were being whipped by a comparative stranger my experience of pain would be erotic (otherwise it would be merely torture).

I certainly don’t think romantic love is necessary to BDSM. But those of us who went from one dimensional fantasies to power exchange and S&M to experiencing it in a real life as part of a romance never get over our surprise at the outcome.

I don’t like the word femdom: too much crap has accreted around it. But I do use it on some site names because that will aid the people I want to reach in finding the site.

I’m a pansexual male in love with a mtf transsexual woman. My primary sexual attraction is to androgynous and genderqueer people. So I do know how irksome simplifications can be. But everything you write can’t recapitulate original premises and take into account all shadings without making for wearisome reading.

Howdy Trinity,

Hiya!

“Fuckstyle”

This entry was more polemic than analysis. Sometimes I’m reacting to the effects of Elise Sutton and her acolytes.

Heh. Well, that’s always good to do. They’re definitely worthy of massive eyerolling! :)

And I did figure that, though I’m no longer one for countering generalizations with generalizations. Seven years in the scene has made me rather bored with “BDSM is about X!” “No, no, it’s about Y!” How about we stop throwing tomatoes and get to the beating each other for FUN? It’s much nicer that way grin

Much better in my view to say “I never understood people who claim it’s all about X, because it’s definitely all about Y for me. And I know a lot of other people who are the same way.”

Now I do believe there is always an erotic element in BDSM. Or, rather, it is an axiom of mine. Call it a failure of empathy: even if I were being whipped by a comparative stranger my experience of pain would be erotic (otherwise it would be merely torture).

I suspect that’s true on some level. But I do know a fair number of people in the Master/slave subculture (or sub-subculture I guess) and one does occasionally see things like straight male slaves serving the “wrong” gender Masters, without sex involved. I don’t know that I’d say there’s no sexual aspect to that, but I definitely think the way the drive to serve (or own) is connected to sex can be very complicated and different for different people. It’s very sexual for ME, and I gather for you too. :)

I certainly don’t think romantic love is necessary to BDSM. But those of us who went from one dimensional fantasies to power exchange and S&M to experiencing it in a real life as part of a romance never get over our surprise at the outcome.

What are you saying you’re surprised by?

I don’t like the word femdom: too much crap has accreted around it. But I do use it on some site names because that will aid the people I want to reach in finding the site.

True. Yeah, I’ve occasionally considered doing the same thing, but I think it would bring in a lot of people I don’t want along with the few people I do.

I see many ‘truths’ as personal and life as a whole as contingent. (And have made a point of stressing that in some of the two thousand pages of my two sexuality blogs.) But after a time, especially when in propaganda mode - which is fun - I drop the conditional modifier. Sometimes as the old Strunk and White handbook advises I just say it loud.

And much of my feedback comes from regular readers who know me after a fashion.

A good local friend of mine … is a woman who absolutely adores fetish dressing

Alexandra often wears PVC and leather when we play and has a huge collection of boots. For me when she feels like dressing up it is like an extra birthday present. I don’t know if I agree with even half of BJ’s posts. But it is good to have a distinctive voice in the mix.

I don’t know that I’d say there’s no sexual aspect to that, but I definitely think the way the drive to serve (or own) is connected to sex can be very complicated and different for different people.

Complete agreement. I hope I never sound like I’ve unlocked the master key to kinky sexuality. I keep trying to establish a vocabulary to encompass the range I see but don’t expect to ever really be successful.

What are you saying you’re surprised by?

Like many men - people - most of my feelings about BDSM were born from increasingly violent fantasies. I thought about sadomasochism in the context of a relationship only rarely. So when I an old friend became both my lover and my top and I found myself being hurt by someone who loves me it was a startling revelation. I got both tenderness and pain from one person.