Reaction Bottom
» BDSM, D/s, S&M: Speculations
Mistress Denna, I mean bloody brilliant Eileen has completed her trilogy of Reaction Top essays.
I thought to myself I’m a reaction bottom (or responsive bottom: the two words are so close but differently nuanced that I won’t fret about it).
But aren’t all bottoms, at least all that think of themselves as submissive, reaction bottoms? Your will is my command, etc.
In theory. Really the top may want something that evokes fear you can’t overcome. The top may have a fetish to which you are indifferent. You’ll do it but that look in their eyes they want to see will be absent. Your submission is just cooperation. Even if you badly want the act to excite you, who possesses the gift of being who they aren’t?
But given luck, passion or unknowable workings of the back brain things can happen.
Early readers of this site may remember when a week couldn’t pass without my mentioning Alexandra’s boots (really shorthand for boots, shoes, feet). But I wasn’t born a retifist or podophile.
I think boots look handsome on a woman. So do kerchiefs and long coats. I also find pants that stop above the ankle sexy.
Before we started talking about kink Alexandra had strongly eroticized her feet and what she put on them. As she told me about this I became obsessed with her footwear. And boot worship emerged for me as a pure gesture of adoration. A germ may have already been present but it was my reaction that gave it so much power.
The top may want to see worship, trepidation and pleasure in her performance. Bottoms like me want to see her pleasure in what she does to us. S&M was never better than when she smiled and laughed as she hurt me.
I’ve used this before. A reader said it is a young Midori. Back then I’d never heard of her. My fondness for the photo stems from the visible relish she seems to take in what she is about to do.
Ideally the responsiveness is mutual. Each partner’s delight increasing the other’s. I remember the night she left my wrist cuffs on longer than they were needed. I knew it was to make me happy: I felt pathetically grateful.
Eileen says:
I love that May blogs. I get ideas from what he writes that show up in our play sometimes months later.
That was the sole original purpose of this site.
She writes of the best kind of ‘negotiation:’
Most tops do this, I think, pulling ideas for scenes from bits of conversation or passing remarks. I don’t think most of us warn our bottoms that we do it, though. Personally, I like the warning. I like it when my partners know I’m listening.
I’m a strong believer in the explicit statement of desires and needs. But the best communication is largely implicit. And it overcomes the hesitations of those of us who have trouble in asking directly for what we want. And giving us that special thrill: surprise.
Comments
Hahaha! Yes, I wanted to be her when I was little. Or be able to do what she did without the ensuing mental health chaos.
Doesn’t it give you a bit of a mental jolt to run across your own name in stories like that?
But arent all bottoms, at least all that think of themselves as submissive, reaction bottoms?
In the way I think you’re processing the idea, yes. But in another way, the realm of physical reaction, not all bottoms react. Some of the most frustrating scenes of my life have been with people who just don’t respond. No flinching, no noise, no movement, no speech, no anything. Not only does this not give me what I want, but it makes it almost impossible to guide scenes appropriately, and is therefore an enormous pet peeve of mine.
Not quite the same kind of mutual responsivness that you’re touching on here, but very linked in, for me.
Posted by: Eileen | October 1, 2007 12:03 PM
I am one of those fairly unresponding bottoms. By the time I start responding you’re right up next to my limits and better cool it back down. Heh.
To the extent that I ever bottom anymore, which is very slight, I am trying to get a bit better. But this may be why I enjoyed topping Jos so much more than he enjoyed topping me, and hence why we ended up in this whole delicious messy relationship thing.
Posted by: Devastating | October 1, 2007 12:28 PM
Devestating-
I don’t know that this is something to “get better” at. Part of it is probably just a style thing. And heck, some kinks work better with bottoms who can stay still :).
Posted by: Eileen | October 1, 2007 12:55 PM
Clearly I’m going to have to get a copy of the book.
I sometimes think of dance as a good image, at least something like ballroom dancing where one person leads, the other follows but it isn’t unilateral.
Ask me to drink a glass of piss and I’ll just chugalug it. It has no effect. I’ve had diet sodas that were much worse. But in general I can’t imagine being unresponsive.
Posted by: Richard | October 1, 2007 1:35 PM
I don’t know, Eileen. I do remember that when I first began having sex, I came absolutely silently and with almost no outward signs. Now I am more expressive and it’s more enjoyable to be that way. So I imagine I’ll follow a similar path in bottoming, assuming I keep doing it. (My interest is really low right now.)
I’ve gotten more expressive in topping, too. A bit.
Posted by: Devastating | October 1, 2007 3:39 PM
Devestating- Funny thing, being expressive while topping. I had to get over the thought that I needed to be reserved while topping very quickly. It simply felt wrong. I still don’t particularly like “ice queen” fantasies or the thought of tops who never talk. I don’t tend to talk a whole lot in scenes, but I do make noise and laugh and chatter away when I feel like it. On the flip side of that, sometimes I don’t want to talk in scenes because everything I can think of to say just sounds silly.
Posted by: Eileen | October 1, 2007 3:52 PM
In my fantasies the top always calmly explained what they were about to do and why. But that was part of the build up and overall effect.
I wonder how many are comfortable laughing and chatting (sadly).
Sometimes it would be nice if we had a selective memory switch so we could turn off all the things that make saying certain things in scenes sound silly or stereotypical.
Posted by: Richard | October 1, 2007 4:01 PM
I usually talk softly and gently while topping, if I talk at all. I try not to make too many jokes or be goofy because it threatens to pull Jos out of headspace. (I hate that everything I say is about him, but I’ve never topped anyone else.)
What I meant by “expressive” is more like, if something really moves me, I might moan a little bit instead of just being stoic about it.
Posted by: Devastating | October 2, 2007 11:29 AM