That Old S&M Versus D/s Debate

There are pure masochists and pure sadists without any interest in subordination and control. Alexandra and I have done this a little but have at times slipped if only lightly into our D/s roles.

And dominant and submissive persons without exist I guess. I end with a qualification because with a very few exceptions enjoy requiring at least mildly humiliating acts. Properly light humiliation belongs in the sphere of emotional sadomasochism.

That almost every dominant sometimes uses some form of pain as punishment is a reasonable generalization. Every read one of them saying it hurt them more than the one punished? But you do hear the latter expressing their dislike of even a light spanking as correction.

Coming to power exchange relationships by means other than traditional BDSM culture leaves some people perceiving the words sadism and masochism tainted. (And there are the masochists offering to experience pain that the stranger they are addressing has no wish to inflict. But we’ve talked about them plenty lately.)

Most of us - switching to the bottom’s side - are a mix. Given the obscurity of the heart’s prehistory from which our needs and desires spring it can be a muddy mix.

The proper prelude to beginning to seek for a partner - for play or commitment - is self-examination. And the search for a partner requires eventually full confessions of what you think are your needs and desires. (In the early days I sent Alexandra my Checklist and this site began as a series of Sketches with which to share with her my fantasies.)

Can masochism be a part of submission? It can be if you find a sadist. If you really want physical suffering don’t go looking for people who don’t enjoy dishing it out. And keep it in balance.

Alexandra is a sadist. But there are things that I want she’s - yet - to do to me. She’s told me to ask. But I find that hard. Even as what she’s affectionately called a “maso-whore” I need her desire. If she doesn’t enjoy my wriggles and ouches it isn’t fun.

Pain can be delirious fun. One night she worked over my nipples with her heels for a very long time. Eventually I felt I was coming close to invoking my safeword. Instead I experienced that inner transvaluation, the epiphany for which masochists wait. Alexandra saw it was across my face and was happy for me. That she could take me there was her reward. After all, we are in love.

And I’ve found that suffering is the most pleasurable when I’m deeply surrendered. Those nights when my brain seems to rewire itself and I’m her puppet controlled by invisible strings of adoration the experience is erotic, aesthetic, loving bliss.

Oddly as deeply masochistic as I am pain administered as correction feels different. There is a real regret in having failed her. At least at the time. Given my need to be enslaved to her the morning after having given myself to her for punishment can be a part of the afterglow.

I think abstractions of pure selflessness are vanity. Even the early Christian Fathers thought they were going to get the best seats in Eternity. (Tertullian boasted about how much he was going to enjoy watching the damned suffer in Hell.)

Another entry that wandered away from me. Don’t they always?

The gist of what I wanted to say: figure out who you are, seek the appropriate person. Don’t force yourself on people who aren’t compatible. Nor accept someone with the notion that you’ll change them.

Self-realization is usually accompanied with transparency with yourself and those with whom you hope to bond.

And never be misled by people who promulgate rules they got from popular paperbacks, forums and weblogs: there is never one true way.

As always disagreement is welcome and you can even tell me to go where Tertullian can be amused if you are civil about it.