Masochistic Wimp

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Some of our playtime together is so unstructured and informal I’m amazed. It is more evolved than I could’ve hoped for. Not that I don’t want the other parts of BDSM but how things are going now are exactly what I need at this time.

My masochism is still at low ebb. I can feel it returning but full restoration of my pleasure in pain is annoyingly slow in coming.

Last night - at my request - the second pain toy Alexandra used on my butt was the Cuban Quirt. If you are a sadist you really should have one of these. It combines impact and stinginess like nothing else I can think of. It is also short and can be used in a very focused way in small space.

The Cuban Quirt left me sore in a way that made it hard to deal with subsequent pain. Blows that are mostly working over sore spots are much tougher to process than those that inflict fresh pain. (At least that is how it feels to my scrambled nervous system.)

I tried to convey this to Alexandra indirectly by making my ouches flatter. Or cursing. Though my goddamns were met with only a cheerful chortle. My silly attempts to hint that I wasn’t having the best of times only fed her sadistic pleasure. Fair enough.

When she finally started working over me with the single tail I quickly started heading to the edge. (Again, my masochism is weak right now.) Having that tiny bit of leather cut into the already damaged skin felt something akin to what I imaging a hot poker iron would.

Finally I ungraciously and abruptly got her to stop.

Much earlier Alexandra might have felt confused or even possibly guilty by my response. Not now. She’s too strong and confident. She did wish I’d communicated how I was feeling more clearly and had helped bring the scene to a more seemly end. Me too: after all it was I who invited her to whale away on my backside.

I’m really glad she ignored my indirect complaints.

Ok, I wasn’t at first. But her confidence and her pleasure in hurting me worked their magic on my mind. In recollection I was pretty happy. It hadn’t been an ideal scene but overall I think it helped further revive my desire to suffer at her hands.

I know this clearly demonstrates that I’m far from the perfect bottom. Having my capacity dimmed is so hateful. Thankfully my desire to make her happy never does even if the ability isn’t always present.

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I have to admit when I heard you say something like “Just carry on till you get tired” I decided to selfishly ignore your protests, interested to see what would happen.

I am glad that you stopped me and also that you tried to outlast me.

i understand some of what you’re saying. Pain, though, is such a complex creature. The dichotomy of hating pain (that is, reacting like a “normal” human,) and yet wanting to suffer the pain (i say it’s to please my Mistress) is complicated enough. To feel disappointment in your own performance, either for disappointing your own expectations or your owners, is a curious reaction that most won’t understand. “i didn’t take enough pain,” is a reaction only a dedicated slave/masochist can begin to comprehend.

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