Chastity : Our Next Step?
» Chastity
Patent drawing of a male chastity belt from about 100 years ago. Supposed to prevent insanity and imbecility.
Neither Alexandra nor I were greatly impressed with enforced male chastity when we first heard of it. Not wanting to put words in her mouth I think she may have found what she saw presented as cruel in the wrong way, I’m not sure.
I’m fairly certain we were both put off by the sexist assumptions behind much of what we read on the web.
Did these men really need their cock locked up before they’d do their fair share of the housework? Even worse were the guys really less tender, loving and considerate if they orgasmed regularly? After all shared orgasms are usually bonds in a loving partnership.
Sometimes it was as if you were reading about old sitcoms with kinky twists. (To be fair my dim knowledge of contemporary pop culture lets me know the Mars and Venus pop psychology is still there.) Why did they get married? They sounded like very shallow people to me. Yes, that does include some of the women.
I don’t have a single close friend who would find these images of heterosexual normality reflected in their own lives. But once interested I saw that the old sexist assumptions are all too alive despite female doctors, CEOs and physicists.
Okay, enough of that dead horse.
Eventually I came to understand that if men “misbehaved” outside of chastity it was often probably a way to ensure that orgasm denial would be resumed. Invisible topping from the bottom? (Why not?)
(Tangent: I was a bit troubled to see chastity regimens often linked to sissyfication. But came to understand that gives some men the only outlet they can ever have for dealing with possible confusion about the full nature of their gender identity: accepting at least some limited sense of being feminine. This is a good thing.)
In studying the feelings of the many men who spend time in a CB-3000, the Curve and the rest my sense that there were many motivations and emotional rewards found in orgasm regulation. By no means do all the men and women approach it with a sense of ethical purity.
They do it for fun.
At the very least the restraint leads to accumulating pent up sexual energy that makes for great sex when the chastity device comes off. Others enjoy their partners’ control and the reinforcement of their own sense of submission. It is too varied for me to attempt to do justice to it here.
Pet looks as key to his chastity device. (Source unknown.)
Oh, right This entry was supposed to be about me and chastity. Where would I be without my preambles and digressions?
Recently Alexandra wrote of me:
” gotten overrun and has become drudgery to him, a daily routine of hardcore fetish mining through hard rock; and the ground is running out of resources.”
Pathetically true. Those searches for perfect fantasies grew to be chores, boring chores. Anymore I feel anorgasmic.
The fantasies were partly a way of digging out of the damnation of my prior relationship. Surrendering my orgasms, my very ability to have an erection to Alexandra is the last step in an all too slow process of healing.
And it gives me something that we might not have been ready for sooner. An invisible 24/7 symbol - connection - of my happiness when I surrender to her. Earlier might have been rushing things. But even in our long time apart we’ve grown closer together (a short sentence that doesn’t capture it at all adequately).
Sadly - for me, ever the polyfetishist - I don’t have the money for a “proper” chastity device. We have a cock cage of sorts but it is easily gotten out of so I’m as much on the honor system as anything else.
Some people would say my honor is all that should be necessary. In principle I agree. And Alexandra knew that at anytime that as my lover all she had to do was say, “Stop!” and I would’ve. My Pansexuality consists of almost infinite adaptability. But not perfect control: in willing myself to stop all sexual desire might vanish.
A physical device is a feedback mechanism: the bondage will keep me eroticizing denial. This is an important part for me. When I want an orgasm so badly that I beg for it, then I will be where I need to be.
Looking back in my Chastity Archives I see:
Comments
A physical device is a feedback mechanism: the bondage will keep me eroticizing denial. This is an important part for me.
And there you have it! I’ve about had it up to here [moves hands across throat] with those who say that “real” subs shouldn’t need a device. RIght, just liek “real” subs shouldn’t need to be handcuffed or bound, and should stand still and silent for a whipping.
Yes, there’s the denial, but then there is the eroticizing of the denial. Some of us are wired so that our imagination is not enough - a piece of yarn around your shaft is not the same as having it encased in plastic… or in steel.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
Posted by: Tom Allen | December 15, 2006 11:24 PM
While I don’t have your depth of knowledge of the chastity subculture it does seem like I have read a fair number of women who come to appreciate the effect a device has on their partner.
Posted by: Richard | December 16, 2006 3:20 PM
I think the single biggest reason for male chastity is to focus his sexual energy on her. As opposed to jerking off a few times a week/day/whatever looking at porn, fantasizing about other women, or even fantasizing about her. This focus benefits both partners, and I think it works whether he’s chaste through self-control, or locked up.
Although I’m not in a relationship, I am practicing restraint. Haven’t come yet this month. This helps me stay focused on my search for a woman, as opposed to the satisfaction and dissipation that naturally accompanies orgasm.
I admire men who can refrain from masturbating just because their woman tells them to. I expect I would do “better” in a device. But who knows—I find the right woman, and she may have ways of motivating me that are beyond my imagination.
Posted by: subboy | December 16, 2006 6:17 PM
I’m in a very complicated emotional space because I’m trying to get past scars and damage from a prior relationship. Alexandra has been wise and loving enough to understand this.
She has always had the option to tell me to stop. That was something I told her long ago. Think of it as my needing a chance to drain poison out of my system.
Now I ask her as my lover to take me to an additional stage of recovery and as the one to whom I delight in offering surrender to accept his additional token of homage.
Posted by: Richard | December 16, 2006 6:35 PM
I think that both you and Alexandra will find that chastity has a considerable impact on your relationship. From my own experience, the focusing of his sexual energy is merely the icing on the cake. The real pleasure comes from the symbolism of having him locked up for me, his cock and orgasms under my control. he has surrendered a part of him that has been the core of much of his self-identity and awareness, and does so with grace. There’s a level of vulnerability that goes along with that which makes him endearing, desirable, and very much mine.
I really hope that both you and Alexandra approach this with your own unique flair, making it work for you as you seem to do with so much of what you try. I think that it’s a potential excellent experience in the making for you!
Myles
Posted by: Myles | December 17, 2006 1:07 PM
{surprised}
What an interesting journey you’ve been making, Richard. I never would have imagined you’d end up here, given your initial thoughts on chastity.
Something another reader wrote here resonates with me - offering one’s chastity with grace. S/he notes that it’s the symbolism that is important, and I agree.
I am not a keyholder, though the first gift both my pets made to me was the control over when and if they came. It’s meant different things to both of them; when asked what he missed about being free, the first pet noted he missed being able to come when he wanted. The current pet used to complain, bitterly, about my requirement that he do so once a week while I’m not there. (I like to keep him in form and I believe it’s good for prostate health.)
Best of luck (as always) with your continuing journey.
Posted by: R | December 17, 2006 4:21 PM
Myles,
On my side that is what moves me most deeply, at least in my hopes. Surrender and vulnerability to cherish.
Posted by: Richard | December 17, 2006 4:47 PM
R,
I was surprised at myself when I started fantasizing about being locked up this way.
But I didn’t take that very seriously at first. Even after I came to feel it would be worthwhile those feelings didn’t have much value or substance until Alexandra expressed a desire for the control. Then I all but fainted.
Posted by: Richard | December 17, 2006 4:55 PM
Great post Richard!
My wife and I have been playing with orgasm denial for about a year now. We do kind of an on again off again thing. She’ll deny me for a few weeks and then we’ll leave it alone for a few weeks.
We haven’t tried a real device. I find the idea to be very exciting, but the ridiculous high price of even the most simple designs keeps me from taking the plunge. Also, Wife enjoys me hard and aching for her and spends a lot of time playing with me. A device would detract from that part of it. Plus, the fact that I can control myself when relief is so in reach is part of the thrill for me.
Posted by: hubby_m | December 17, 2006 5:06 PM
It is a pity that the male chastity devices are outside my current budget. (Unless I can seduce some vendor to donate one in exchange for PR.)
Regardless I’m sure that Alexandra would never hesitate to take my penis out of anything that might confine it to use for her own amusement.
Thanks.
Posted by: Richard | December 17, 2006 5:16 PM
Hey, the fetish mining wasn’t /pathetic/ as such (or at all really ;). Perhaps less than ideal but then who’s perfect? I can only manage it on very good days at best!
Actually I’ve always appreciated your honesty with the fantasizing stuff. You could have easily kept it hidden from me, but you didn’t. So while I might have seen some of the imaginary shenanigans as ‘virtual competition’ on a bad day, at least you gave me the asset of transparency.
And as I’ve said elsewhere I am proud that you’ve come through this. In a way I was expecting it, and in another way it was a wonderful surprise. It’s much more than most people get.
Posted by: Alexandra | December 19, 2006 2:29 PM
I’m from Argentina and we read those incredible storys about chastity and Femdom. I know they are totally true, but the problem is that this topics we can’t find in spanish because the people in latin america don’t know anything about it (most of them think that chastity belts was some stupid thing for the Medieval Era!).
We are a little gruop of Latin People looking to join and hear other’s experiences in D/s and Chastity and Orgasm Denial(we have a yahoo spanish group). Thanks, Cristian.
My email is atuspies67@yahoo.com.ar
Posted by: Cristian from Buenos Aires | June 26, 2007 9:18 AM