Ideal Dominant

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My ideal dominant has:

Intelligence: I don’t mean they are intellectual (a very distinct thing having to do with cultural acquisitions). That they can think clearly.

Ability to communicate: only a fool would put himself in the hands of someone who either can’t or won’t talk.

The real desire to dominate: the act of taking power over me has to be both her pleasure and need.

Sadism: her pleasure in my pain is like an electric current bonding us.

Skill: without craft she might be dangerous in a bad way. And a desire to hone her skills.

Moderation: ideally she seems ruthless but knows where to draw the line, when to stop.

Empathy: if she can’t see into the mind of others she’ll have no guide.

These seems sensible requirements in a play partner.

With Alexandra I have all of the above and:

Individuality: I could never mistake her for another.

Sensual power: nothing extra need be said.

Talent: craft taken to a level that can’t be taught. I couldn’t have guess how gifted she’d be.

Love: this is passion, romance, an interest in me as her lover, pet and slave. I never could’ve anticipated this nor guess how wonderful it would be.

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Master, Mistress, Goddess, Sir: whatever you might call your dominant what are the qualities and characteristics you would most like to find in an owner, play partner - sadistic or not: when you picture the person in your mind how do you see them?

Not what the person looks like: what sort of mind do they bring to their interplay with you? (This isn’t a test: no honest answer is wrong.)

(These questions are fairly common on BDSM forums. I thought I’d see if I could get a few of you to share your feelings with me here. This is 4 of 5 consecutive entries.)



I would so love to ask my little pet this question.

I don’t see how I can in a non-selfserving way. Though he is good at surprising me; he might actually tell me what he wants.

While this might seem self-serving it isn’t meant to be. You might tell him you saw this entry and tell him to leave an (anonymous is fine) comment outlining his own feelings. Being able to state these things in the third person can really open up your tongue. Even though I don’t post things she doesn’t know about I do find it loosens me up to not be addressing her directly.

From my point of view the most important thing is awareness, responsibility, and those kinds of things, your heart has to be in the right place… or… if I were to be a submissive my sense of self-preservation would force me to choose someone who seemed to care about me to some extent.

Then after all that you have the desire to inflict pain, which would easily be the most important thing if not for the whole responsibility issue.

Then finally the technical side and the desire to try new things.

My ideal dominate is practicaly a mindreader. He knows how I’m feeling, how aroused I am, how much I can take and how close to coming I am. He takes pleasure in my pain and is aroused by it, but his arousal is partly because he knows how aroused I am. He wants total control of my body and is interested in exploring all of it. He is creative and finds new and unusual ways of playing the dominance game.

He is of course good looking, but that is merely an ideal. Sensuality and power are much more important. Power is force of personality, but physical power is a nice extra.

Outside of the bedroom he is not dominate (0r a mindereader). BDSM is a game I like to play, not a way I could tolorate living.

Ideal Mistress: I’ll know Her when I see Her, at least I think so. But the problem is that I’ve been disappointed so many times, I begin to doubt that She even exists in the real world. However, hope keeps me going.

Real problem is, you don’t know until you try — at least a little experience — and you have to invest time and emotional capital in the experiment. Nevertheless, the list, if only to clarify one’s thinking.

Intelligent, able to think things through so She doesn’t get either of us into a hole we can’t escape. Basically, She should know when the limit has arrived, before the safeword can be spoken: that is to say, trustworthy. Safewords, like parachutes, should be for unexpected emergencies, not for pilot error.

She must need to dominate as much as I need to submit; we should fit together like spooning in bed, on all levels. Truth to tell, a little switching now and then, if only for educational purposes, isn’t a bad idea — but not too much of that, either. Variety is spicy in all realms of life.

A sense of humor, so She doesn’t take it all too damn seriously. It’s a game, like tennis, bridge or chess: while in the zone, you play hard and try to beat (!) your mate, but then you declare an end and go back to real, if vanilla, life for a while, until it’s time for a rematch. (At the same time, it isn’t a battle: while in domspace or slavespace, one plays the role honestly. As Her slave, I truly believe that I must serve, submit and suffer. And as Owner, She expects it and enjoys being pampered and worshiped — and does not hesitate to use the whip if Her slave does not stay in character.)

Clever and imaginative, so She can invent new variants on the basic theme. One nice little trick: inverse psychology, or the Br’er Rabbit syndrome: “Please, Mistress, not the cat, please!” “How dare you talk back to Me, dog! Twenty lashes with the cat, then, not ten, and you will thank Me after each one.” (It’s a form of topping from the bottom, yes, but She has the option of doing whatever She pleases, regardless of what Her slave says.)

Physically and mentally able to appreciate all the pleasure that a truly selfish Mistress can demand of Her slave, without worrying about hurting his feelings or making him resentful. That includes the pleasure of making him suffer as entertainment for Her — in other words, She should be a rational sadist, if I may coin the term: intelligent enough (I said that already) to know how far to go, and brave enough to go there, knowing I’m right with Her.

Oh, yes, and I hope She doesn’t mind wearing stiletto-heel boots and allowing me (note: not demanding or screaming, but graciously permitting Her slave to serve) to lick them to a high polish. Flat-heel boots are almost as good, but there’s something about a 5” stiletto heel! And please, Mistress, if this slave does not perform to Your satisfaction, use Your whip to train me.

I don’t know about the cuckold angle: that gets beyond the limits, I think, for me, because it ruins the relationship. Maybe an occasional affair, but not getting carried away. And it’s hard to stop for some people. Nor do I feel comfortable with an actual sale to another Owner, for whom I don’t have the same committed devotion. These, like permanent and really serious mutilation, are for fiction, not life (I just read “A Horse of a Different Color,” an excellent fantasy that could never exist in reality. Outstanding story, and thank you for posting it.)

Discreet. That’s the only way to make sure some blue-nosed busybody doesn’t mess it all up. Rich wouldn’t hurt either, but that may be too much to expect in a practical sense. The last criterion is the one most of us think of first: Beautiful. I see so many absolutely stunning Ladies walking around, and I’m sure that fewer than 1% probably could meet all these expectations and hopes. Even the on-line beauties (I can’t begin to list them, but every man has a portfolio in his head) probably come up short in real life.

Yet still we dream, and some day, we may find the Goddess who fulfills 90%, and go for it, using our well-exercised imaginations to gloss over the other 10%. Just maybe, She will be pleased to change a tiny bit to become, after all, The Perfect Mistress and Ideal Dominant. As RLS famously wrote, “what’s a heaven for?” bootlicker

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Ideal Dominant. Please stick to the topic of the entry. Forthright disagreement is fine as long as it is civil.
My thanks,


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