More pain creates more cravings?

Alexandra took control of me again last night. As seems to be usual it was more satisfying than the last time.

To be honest more satisfying means there was more pain. Not a huge amount more. Last night she caned my ass more thoroughly than before. And used the cane on my penis. Just a bit, enough for mild pain.

Having my buttocks worked more thoroughly took me deeper into my masochism than I'd been before. When she brought me back off the floor I desperately did not want to fall back into normal emotional space. This morning I awoke to find myself wishing I was still on the floor licking her boots and being punished. I wish I could banish those cravings. It could easily be a week before she feels like acting as owner again and I don't want my desires to distort my behavior with her.

Having my penis hit enough to hurt excited me strongly. I don't - yet anyway - want to experience strong cbt. My desires are more for cock and ball teasing than torture. I guess for a male having one's penis abusing is especially humiliating and my emotional masochism is hungry for humiliation.

Before taking me to the floor Alexandra mixed tenderness, kissing and hugging, with an occasional slap or pull of my hair. Mixing affection and domination so seamlessly was a very lovely experience.

We talked a bit about the depth of my slavish cravings. Alexandra told me it would be ok for me to get down and lick her boots of my own volition, that she'd enjoy my submission even if she had no desire to do more than relax while I worshipped her. To be able to show that kind of freely given adoration is as important to me as the harsher stuff. (Though it doesn't nag at the back of my mind as the images of being whipped and kicked are right now.)

As I type it is hard for me to think clearly or try to write well. The inner pressures won't let me relax.