On Being Broken
» Cravings
Yeah, I do spend too many nights picturing this sort of humbling confinement and use. Is being such a perve a “guy thing?” (I’m just kidding.)
My beloved and I have done some intensive chatting and my latest wave of fears that my masochistic and slavish hungers may be too deep and pervasive for our relationship have abated.
Nothing better than talking to the one you love.
I was surprised to discover that she felt a certain frustration in having never broken me. Breaking me sounds bad. When spoken of in terms of BDSM people are often expressing a desire to be the end product of a prisoner of war experience.
Useful human shelving (I’m sure the testicle weight is funcitional in some obscure fashion). I do want to to be her table, her foot stool.
In this context “breaking me” means taking me to the point where I beg for mercy. It has never happened. Come close a couple of times but as in many circumstances coming close isn’t anything like actually hitting the target.
I didn’t set out to be an out-of-the-box junior super-masochist. I do “like” pain. Though some of that liking has shut off instantly a couple of times when she seemed angry. Though I think only certain species of masochists can really understand that punishment pain is often processed differently.
If Eric Stanton hadn’t existed masochists would have had to invent him.
One reason that I’ve never begged her to stop is that she always takes care. She stops and makes sure that I’m OK. I’m sure she has the skill and talent to be more ruthless if she wishes. But I’m not fool enough to object to being lucky enough to have a caring sadist. Even my craziest masochistic cravings can’t stop me from respecting and appreciating that.
One day I’ll - we’ll - get there. Maybe it’ll be with the whips and canes. Or a cunning series of humiliations of which I’ve never dreamed.
Obviously if that ever became her special goal for an evening there’s my - ouch! - testicles. While some men can remain impassive when their balls are crushed I don’t think I’m one of them.
Months ago I asked her if she’d still like to break me. She said it that the journey not the destination that matters. We’ll enjoy both I think.
Even when I worry and disappoint her I hope she’ll always know that I never forget how lucky I am to have found her. She’s an irreplaceable part of my life. Even on the other side of the ocean.
Comments
Waiting for her to finish an entry on her own site I’ll add another example.
There was an evening when – I don’t remember the cause – she became angry with me and went after my nipples with a cane. Given the emotion and the effect on my nerve endings I came closer than ever to begging her to stop. (Of course there is the problem if that she does instantly … well, you know how it is for masochists.)
The terrible beauty of her ruthlessness has never left me.
I’ve never brought this up explicitly because I think I would have to be bound. My programmed self-defense mechanisms might cut in otherwise. But it is hard to believe that somewhere between five to fifteen strokes, as they were that night wouldn’t leave me pleading with her to stop.
When she should stop, aside from being up to her is outside my self-understanding.
Posted by: Richard | January 6, 2006 6:12 PM
Being broken doesn’t have to be life-shattering, though I know you’re mostly being humerous… It is just the stage where you show some regret for getting into it, you beg for release and abase yourself profusely. A stoic ending is sometimes like working your butt off for nothing.
There is no ‘average’ man but in the D/s experiences I had before, I could break him in 5 to 10 minutes.
It’s difficult to adjust to you who I’m guessing would need a couple of hours with a 20-years-in-the-business Prodomme to break at times, and instead of breaking you sometimes make strange noises and I worry.
Also you have to bear in mind that the ‘break’ is the juicy bit for me. It’s the part when you feel the /most/ dominant.
Posted by: Alexandra | January 6, 2006 6:46 PM
It wouldn’t be life “shattering” for me. In the sense we’re talking about it would be fulfilling me in a wonderful way. And for you as well I hope.
I’ve come to learn that I need to better express my joy in your power. I will learn to.
Posted by: Richard | January 6, 2006 6:58 PM
I have not told anyone this before. My MS., broke me last Oct 05. I am now afraid of her. Now I am only a domestic slave for her & her cousin. I am treated as less than a slave & laughed at by both of them. I am denied the use of any type of safe words. Most days I have either dress as woman or go naked all day. I never thougtht that I would be in this position.
Posted by: danny | January 24, 2006 1:27 PM
That is very sad to hear.
It sounds like a situation that you need to get out of.
Deliberately testing limits is not the same thing as domestic abuse and I fear that is what it sounds as if you are describing.
Best of luck to you.
Posted by: Richard | January 24, 2006 2:08 PM