Pleasing Me (Finally)

Stubbornly determined to write about kinks that may call at me in the future I break down and skim through my own fetish checklist.

Honestly, I did try to keep the toys out. But I’m one of those guys who find reading the Extreme Restraints catalog arousing.

Blindfold / Hood: your reality is reduced to whatever sensation she or your imagination provides. External reality becomes mysterious and uncertain. Another way to be helpless before her.

Canes: I get lost thinking about them. They’ve been one of many tools for making me flinch.

And when she struck me in the front, I had to ask her to use them less. That night she was angry so I’m not sure if it was the particularity of the agony or her wrath that seduced me. Her wrath makes me almost drunk so I’m unable to evaluate why I chose this.

CBT: She’s been mostly sparing with this. Part of me asks another part if I’m crazy. Some of my masochism is, perhaps. Though crazy and pedestrian. Whips, ointments, pressure, kicks: yeah, I’m needy

Can I ever express often my thankfulness that she is so careful. None the less part of me wants to dance close to the edge. But only by her will and under her guidance.

Chamber-Pot Use: I think I got confused about this. Possibly simply being pissed on would affect me more than I thought. Being forced to drink it, perhaps beg for it though I don’t want it or be forced to down small cup or bowl after cup would give me the humiliating degradation that part of myself is so often seeking.

Dog Bowl for Meals: You know, I deeply love the gentle pet play. There is no more glorious moment in being beneath her than when she touches my head and says “Good boy.” Another part of me wants to be treated like an animal literally. Or worse than anyone should ever treat a pet. And really I don’t know if we could push the envelope on animal roles until we perhaps have sessions of more duration. Noted mostly for the place it has in my imagination.

Electro-play: The hungry masochist says “Please make my body writhe, make me scream.” But it scares me. We do have at least one or two safe electro-toys. It is just a spooky gulf to jump across.

Gags: I’m a very wordy guy. If you’ve been visiting this site for any length of time you may have noticed. Having your ability to speak thwarted seems like an awing but harmless deprivation of one’s abilities as a human being.

Immobilization: Chair, bed, athwart the floor: you can’t move even to scratch your nose. No physical freedom at all, you are whatever she makes of you. Oh, to have a cage.

Nipples: Is there a part of the body - after the genitals - that cowers before a cane or a pinch? A tiny weighted vice narrows your awareness to two tiny spots on your body.

Penis Confinement/Orgasm Denial: ?

Protocols: I could never live within them all the time. But I do often dream of restrictions on my language, posture, almost my very identity. If we do engage in this again I think the more strictly they are enforced the better it will be for me.

Sensory Deprivation: Honestly I don’t know if we could go beyond blindfolds and gags. Unless it were to be bound and blindfolded for a very long time. I note this just because the idea appeals to me mightily even if I’m not sure it could ever be carried out.

24/7: When people write of scenes lasting a weekend or a week I feel a bit envious and kind of amazed. But there’s always a part of me that wishes things could be pushed as far as possible. Could we do it? Don’t know. Not worried about it. Life really is about more than what I write about here. But it will always strike my fancy.

Verbal Violence: We’ve been there. As with the cane across the nipples it is a very profound, moving emotional space. I think I felt a need to note it as a way of thanking her. It is something that is best left to the right moments.

Certainly not an inventive inventory of wishes.

Some standard masochistic wants. The unclearness about certain uses of the canes captures some of the confusion you can feel between need, desire and capability.

A good slice of it is seeking ways to feel more helpless and under her control.

And the contention between what you feel you want and what is possible in a given relationship.

At least I finally got this written.

Maybe you have some unsatisfied - even unachievable - desires you’d care to share with me?