Topping From the Bottom
» D/s Practices
I’m not so much afraid of topping from the bottom but of accidentally finding myself directing things.
Pretty foolish given the loving relationship that Alexandra and I have. Taking initiative in a legitimately submissive manner is one of the things I’ve needed to work on. Last time she was here I’d hoped to make progress. But my monetary problems allowed that visit to be less than it should’ve been.
I’ve pointed people to the DOMestic mailing list before. One of the oldest female domination resources on the internet. Traffic is never too high but on and off some really worthwhile contributions are made by the members.
The post I quote addresses the theme who should make the first move, the Domme or the submissive male:
Mistress M, i do believe the one who makes the moves depends on the relationship and on training. In general most of the submissive men i have known, it is the woman who should dictate things. That the dominate controls when and how sexual or intimate encounters will occur.
Many submissives feel making the moves is to an extent topping from the bottom, which for most in the BDSM world is considered wrong. Now I also realize many submissive men really do not know how to make the moves in the first place. They have put women on a pedestal someone who is to be worshipped from afar.
Men should not make any moves unless they get a clear signal from the woman that the moves are desired. So some submissive men will need to know it is permitted to start the moves and what those moves are to be in the first place.
You can set things up so the sub will initiate certain events. You can then decide whether you want things to go further or not. For example, it can become the sub’s job to kiss your feet after dinner or give them a sensual massage. You decide how long the sub should do this and if you want to continue things when he is done or not.
Though the sub is the one starting this encounter, it is only after you have set a rule that he should do so. So the sub is not topping from the bottom and you get something you desire from the sub.
Another example is that the submissive must earn so many points before he can have an orgasm or if he likes bondage so many points to earn being tied up - basically something he really desires. The man earns these points by making the moves you like.
For example sneaking up and kissing you on the neck could be worth a point and so on. Now the submissive will know what is and what is not allowed to do with his Mistress. Again you control things. You set up what you want him to be doing. He is now following your desires in making the moves and only the moves you like.
Remember you are the one that is supposed to be in control, but you can set up that control to get what you want out of the relationship. You can build in rewards. You can use punishments as well.
If he fails to do the moves some evening without a good reason, he could be punished. This is not a good punishment, it should be something the submissive does not want, has no desire for. So, it does no good to whip someone who is a pain slut, you would be actually rewarding him.
However if the pain slut does not like humiliation then that could be a good punishment. If possible make it something that you enjoy doing but he does not. That way he knows if he does wrong, he will be punished since it is an activity you really enjoy doing.
i would suggest focusing on rewards though. Research in operant conditioning shows positive reinforcement (being rewarded for doing something) is the quickest way to modify behavior. But on the other hand if you really like punishment, set things up so something the sub really likes doing will get him punished. Again your call, not his.
Comments
Sometimes I forget. It is not my fault, it is society’s fault. Male superiority is too deeply ingrained to our thoughts. Western civilization tells us we are superior to the female, and has since the days of our cave-dwelling ancestors.
This is why my training is essential and ongoing. She knows my hate list. I have made the list for her reference.
My ass is off-limits - the top of her list. And so, when my words or actions foolishily imply that I am in control, she knows that I must be reminded in the most horrid of ways.
I am cocooned, in a sense, laid prone on my belly with rope binding my thighs close together. The canal of entry is narrowed; the pain of remembrance heightened.
She chooses a cock size on the upper scale of my limits. Only with much effort can she manually divide the meated cheeks of my defense.
The portal to my ass does not give, despite the best efforts of my brain. I cry out to myself, “Relax, damn you. Invite her, accept her.” But the ropes work against me. My pain is magnified… and I remember.
In time, I will know to control my thoughts before I speak. I will remember who she is. She is the woman I am sworn to worship - born to serve.
One cannot expect to erase generations of improper mind-set, but it will be done… in time.
Posted by: Jardonn | July 17, 2006 3:21 PM
I’m probably going to write something about gender politics again soon.
Male superiority is too deeply ingrained to our thoughts.
I can’t think of any guy I know who has ever acted as if he felt something like this: even in his subconscious.
Now, I’ve known people of both sexes to say that females are less logical and more driven by feelings. I’m agnostic on this but have known plenty of logical women and very subjective men.
Sorry you have trouble dealing with penetration. I’m not really keen on it this has strictly been with other guys but have never had trouble relaxing my sphincter.
I’m the masculine but never macho type. My daddy was macho enough for the both of us.
Posted by: Richard | July 17, 2006 4:01 PM