10 Sins of D/s and S&M

» Emotional Health


Humanity, Empathy and Clarity

  1. Generification. Treating personal preference and prejudice is the root of much of what follows. Many people develop theories of BDSM that reflect nothing more than what is local to their own minds. They think that what applies to them - at least they imagine it does - reflects universal truths. This is a source of foolish formulae and ridiculous rules.
  2. True Submissive [Person]. Unattached submissive people ( - men? - ) are woefully annoying with their lists of what submissive people must and must not do. Their clownish criteria better fits caricatures and not flesh and blood people. Change the word to slave and many tops are just as wrongheaded.
  3. Real Master or Mistress. This is really too complex a topic for this kind of list. But I have noticed submissive people unwittingly pressuring - almost blackmailing tops to maintain an almost impossible level of control. To be too unforgiving, unrelenting, never relaxing. This can cause tops to feel inadequate even guilty for merely being human and having good sense. I can’t help but wonder how often sane tops let their more aggressive peers distort their code of conduct.
  4. Too Many Rules. The most famous set of D/s rules is a classic instance of someone turning their preferences into a master plan of behavior. While heavy and complex protocol enhances masturbation it makes the rest of life impossibly burdensome for both parties.
  5. Projection. Many assume their cravings will match another’s complementary desires. Because of the bias of my sample population this is often masochistic men with shopping lists of what they expect a woman to do to them. The guys don’t stop to wonder how many might. Or why they would select him. They imagine there mere desire appealing in itself.
  6. Objectification. Not the fun kind. Masochists forget they are interacting with a person and just see Dominatrix Mark IX (With Enhanced Torture Module). And sadists can be eually guilty, expecting the bottom accept being made miserable in bad way.
  7. Unrealistic Expectations. BDSM play doesn’t eliminate working for a living, getting sleep, having health problems, not being in the mood or having enough free time.
  8. Fantasy vs. Reality. Just because you read it in a story doesn’t mean you should do it.
  9. Lack of Craft. My second experience as BDSM bottom was with a man who didn’t even know how to use a plastic riding crop. Particularly he didn’t know to avoid my kidneys. There was no possibility of pleasure or desire to see him again. Any sadist who doesn’t take the time to learn about risk is to be avoided.
  10. Lack of Communication. If someone doesn’t want to talk about themselves, learn about you or negotiate drop him or her. If you are playing with someone never hesitate to share your feelings. Do your best to encourage their self-expression. Don’t let notions of role make you silent. (Uncommunicative bottoms and tops can easily induce paranoia and guilt in their partners.)

Contingency, exceptional circumstances and special conditions cheerfully acknowledged.

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Don’t be silly - of course there is only one true way to do BDSM! Fortunately, it happens to be the way that is most appealing to me. I guess I’m just lucky that way.

I’d say it is Jos. who is the lucky one. But I guess that is a matter of perspective.

“Just because you read it in a story doesn’t mean you should do it.”

Wait, you mean to say I shouldn’t get kidnapped by a group of horny cheerleaders who tie me down, lock me permanently into a chastity device, shit in my mouth, carve “cunt” into my forehead with a rusty spoon, and remove my nipples with a blowtorch? Aw, man, there goes my plans for Friday night. Bummer.


you have made me smile with this list.

Just thinking about a relationship without communication makes me shiver. How could there ever be room for growth and expansion without a sharing of thoughts and feelings.

I think that there is a natural tendency for people to club together in order to set themselves apart from others, for Eris knows whatever reasons. But in order to create the “Us”, one needs ot have a set of rules or standards in order to hold it up to the “Thems” so that you can point out how they’re doing it wrong and therefore don’t deserve membership in your club.

When I go to sushi restaurants, there’s always that one ass who insists that you have to order this tuna with that rice, and you have to eat it this way.

I like to have a nice single malt scotch once in a while, and I usually toss a couple of ice cubes into it. Gasps and groans go up from the guys around me who insist that half of the British Isles are rolling in their graves.

Thing is, I don’t see this as necessarily bad behavior in general; historical re-enactments are totally about getting everything “just so”, which helps us as a culture to understand where things come from.

But those people who make getting the “just so” part of their personalities risk alienating themselves from the rest of the great unwashed who simply want to enjoy one more way to have a good time.

Regardless of what someone wishes to do to another person,if they in turn are not willing to have it done to them they should not be able to do it to someone else either. OK LADIES RAPE ME BRING IT ON!!! no no you with the dildo that is a Master no no! no! my ass is exit only show respect….;oP

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