Annoying Sadistic Impulses
» Emotional Health
Watching the older man dominant the twink in the second BDSM porn movie must’ve planted a time bond in my brain. All sorts of sadistic feeling started surfacing.
Bad sadistic urges. The image of binding some clean cut, straight macho boy and kicking him in the crotch. And I don’t mean in a risk aware way. It was far more brutal than anything I’ve thought about being done to me. And I’ve dreamt of being subjected to some pretty darn nasty acts.
A few of the femme guys I’ve known, normally bottoms, have wanted to sodomize heterosexual guys against there will. Given how badly they were often picked on in school it is an understandable revenge fantasy. But it hasn’t been something I’ve hitherto wanted to do.
My sexuality is currently like a roulette wheel that just won’t stop spinning. So I don’t read anything into these urges.
But. Oh, what an awful but.
I thought about being mean to a woman. In a consensual safe, etc. way. S&M with a female bottom? That isn’t me! No! No! No!
I’m not sure I could hurt a woman even if she wanted me to. Not that I don’t want female masochists to get all they want. Maybe I could enjoy inflicting it. But when I try to envisage such an act normally my mind refuses.
Hurting – even lovingly – a female violates a personal taboo. My mother started wearing false teeth in her twenties after my father knocked her teeth out. I half suspect hitting a woman would leave me catatonic.
I like idealizing the feminine. I know better. I also know what is best for me.
While I know from experience that topping a guy in a kinky way is fun I feel real reluctance at the prospect.
My submissive component made such a strong connection with romance. I want that again. I want to kneel and adore again. I’m also very skeptical that it will ever happen.
Logically I shouldn’t shut off any options for erotic self-expression.
Just another example of scrambled brains ala Ricard, sprinkling lightly with confusion, add a soupcon of bafflement. Serve on warm buns.
However annoying internal conflicts might be their analysis is rewarding.
Comments
So, funny thing. I told May I wanted to write a post on face slapping, and that I needed research. I asked him to slap me. I was really not expecting this to be a big deal, but lo and behold he freaks out and flat-out refuses to do so. Even though his reasoning later made perfect sense, at the time I was amazed.
My sadistic impulses used to be limited to men only, but they have since branched out quite distinctly. I’ve had a few chances at sadistic play with women, but I’m hoping that increases in the future.
Posted by: Eileen | October 28, 2007 1:06 AM
My submissive component made such a strong connection with romance. I want that again. I want to kneel and adore again. I’m also very skeptical that it will ever happen.
Mine too. I want that again too. I am also skeptical that will ever happen. I am in the same boat as you.
Posted by: Anonymous | October 28, 2007 2:31 AM
For me face slapping is more about contempt than pain. I could not imagine slapping a woman that I cared for. The image is simply frightening.
Posted by: Richard | October 28, 2007 12:04 PM