D/s : Just One Part of a Full Life
» Emotional Health
On and off some folks who read this site leave comments suggesting that they fear I want to go off some dark deep end.
When you read a BDSM blog keep in mind that often the writer is focusing on only one part of life. A few blend in all of their lives, others - like myself -, share mostly the power exchange, kink and fetish.
Naturally the unpartnered like to envisage days and nights of ceaselessly incrementing thrills. While I do have a 24/7 fantasy life there’s the pedestrian real life to be lived.
True there are people who try to live TPE continuously. But no one seems to be able to feel like slave continuously and there’s frequent Dom(me) drop. Sadly this sometimes tears at the relationship when the submissive person feels guilty and the dominant inadequate. Some do make it work after a fashion. Others get divorced so they can pursue perfection.
However enchanting the vision I know that living as slave/Owner isn’t something I can sustain beyond certain limits. For D/s to work I have to suspend what I hope you’ll forgive me for calling my critical intelligence. But take away the questioning, doubting, analyzing part of my mind and I cease to exist.
That some of you can go more deeply is something I often envy. Though I do notice one common characteristic: the dominants have huge respect for their submissive lover and leave them very large free spaces in which to actualize themselves.
Shutting off my intellectual self-consciousness is part of what I want and need from D/s. It is a kind of altered consciousness. My brain slips free of its bonds and goes into a space that only Alexandra can take me.
But for me to try to live there would be as distorting as staying drunk or stoned all day long. Intoxication is lovely but unsustainable. Check your local rehab center to see what happens to those who try.
This came to my mind again in surveying discussions amongst some of the FLR folks. There was a time when I felt you female led relationship guys were being too evangelical. You’d found a pattern of life that works for you and felt a little too securely it seemed that everybody should be doing the same.
But projecting the conditions of one’s own life on to others is such a commonplace cognitive sin to merit much discussion.
So I’ve been glad to see a more mature attitude in your responses to couples for whom FLR/LFA seemed to not work out. Wanting others to share our passions is a wholesome wish. Expecting them to is not.
Alexandra and I have been talking about how we may extend and commingle BDSM within our shared lives. When she’s back I hope we’ll have some experiences to share with you.
In closing - for reasons that a few of you will understand - say again that I make no claim to be a philosopher or psychologist of fetish and kink. My words here are attempts at sharing. Take what may be useful to you. Discard the rest.
As I said I do it for fun.
Comments
“For D/s to work I have to suspend what I hope you’ll forgive me for calling my critical intelligence. But take away the questioning, doubting, analyzing part of my mind and I cease to exist.”
Me too. It’s why age play works so well for me, I’m able to somehow justify in my head that it’s okay to be “innocent” rather than just “dumb.” It’s such a huge attraction though, the ability to, in a way, let someone else think for you for a certain period of time. A really big relief on my part.
I don’t have an elaborate fantasy of 24/7, constant torture and control, etc. I think that’s why it seems so … normal? to me. Really it’s just knowing that you’re going to listen, or be made to listen to anything and any time. That said, it’s not like the dominant is always talking or telling.
Posted by: tulsa | October 14, 2006 12:36 PM
I agree with what you said here wholeheartedly. Many are obsessed with d/s, and try to force their particular way down others’ throats. But you understand that we all have our own style of submission (or dominance) and that that’s okay. It’s refreshing to read a realistic view of bdsm.
Posted by: roo-roo | October 14, 2006 3:55 PM
Wonderfully stated. One of the things I really like about your posts is your ability to state your opinion without forcing it down the throats of your readers. So often the “experts” are the ones who are the loudest, speak with the utmost “authority”, and who denigrate anyone who dares to disagree.
Your post reminds me of a conversation I had just today with my submissive. I mentioned I actually liked the fact that we aren’t “24/7”. I don’t have any desire to control every single aspect of his life. He remarked that we weren’t 24/7 in the sense that we weren’t constantly “scening”, but there was nothing part time about his devotion or his willingness to allow me to direct as I see fit. I thought that was a pretty nice way to sum it all up.
Posted by: Lady Julia | October 14, 2006 6:37 PM
Hello Richard:
As you know me well by now, you surely know that I agree with you on all points. But I just had to add my little two cents on this, because I think it is of much import.
Elsewhere there is currently a discussion regarding the services of Professional Dominatrices perhaps reinforcing the fantasy of domination rather than the reality of a real-life, real-time relationship F/m relationship. Thinking about the goings-on over there and this particular post:
24/7 domination can and should be left to the mind to ponder (a lovely masterabatory interlude, don’t you think?) before getting back to the real business of living a real life. For which, mind you, there is no substitute.
I actually addressed this issue (from a Fantasy Phone Domme perspective)in a recebt article I wrote, Fantasy Mistress: Just a Figment of your BDSM Desires, for the Book SEX-KITTEN.NET PRESENTS THE BEDSM ISSUE.
Practical is not such a bad word in an everyday relationship. 24/7 domination is NOT practical. I might even go so far as to say, that relationship which is based on love, with a generous dollop of kink, and then with spontaneous helpings of serious domination thrown in here and there…might just be the PERFECT combo. And in fact, might be hotter than the 24/7 fantasy.
So there! ~love Angela
Posted by: Angela St. Lawrence | October 15, 2006 3:04 PM
As for me BDSM is one of the erotic arts giving me an opportunity not just to deal with my partner on a more intimate level, but also to open my darkest and deepest sides. And I think that for some people who try BDSM for the first time these sides might be frightening. People often get scared during the first try.
Posted by: Alex Zagrev | October 16, 2006 7:30 AM
This and it’s replies actually got me thinking. I decided not to post the (bloated) reply right now but instead to try and make it into a post on my site.
Posted by: Alexandra | October 17, 2006 6:42 PM