Evolutions
» Emotional Health
His initial surprise gave way almost at once to an almost overwhelming sense of gratification. - and by no means for reasons of vanity but because an obscure sense disasatisfaction from which he had suffered was now entirely dissapated. For him, too, there was a refocusing, as though the pattern of a puzzle had at last become apparent - had, indeed, become so self-evident that the previous obscurity had become almost incomprehensile. Beatitude and embarrassment clamored equally for recognition. …
- Edmund Crispin
As a young man I looked back on myself and thought: “What a dope!”
Less young I’d shake my head and smile at my illusions of self-understanding.
This process has never ceased. I’m variously baffled and chagrined by who I’ve been.
While linear I can’t pretend it has been strictly progressive. I’ve changed but not necessarily for the better. Or worse.
Since life is continuous my reconsidered frozen moments of my past are surely imperfect. While I may smile with condescension at who I’ve been I treasure myselves for the cumulative creation of who I am.
From youth onward we - regardless of gender perception or power orientation - we massage our genitals as see our fetishes false clarity. At least false in the role they may eventually play in our lives.
Okay, surely I’m being unfair. Some have discovered their kink. The image never changed. Given the chance to live it they found satiation and satisfaction.
But many of us have seen our perceived needs morph. Partly from thwarted desires. Much of that is distortion.
Given a complementary partner for power exchange and sadomasochistic play our internal lexicon begins redefinition. Even if it is everything we wanted it isn’t what we expected.
Experience provides an education that abstraction never can.
When Alexandra and Richard began to interact as Goddess and slave, Owner and pet we found much that we expected and plenty we didn’t anticipate. That continues. And will when she returns.
Reality can refute anticipation. Or at least rehabilitate the prisons of imagination.
We evolve. Even in D/s.
If you’ve come my way searching for some “truth” about BDSM I can offer you very little concrete advice. That is best left to those who think they know what “true” dominance and submission is. The only person who has any right to say if I’m a “true submissive” is Alexandra. No one else’s opinion matters a whit.
But I’d suggest:
Read the blogs written by folks in actual relationships. But don’t let anyone persuade you that you’ve found the pattern for your future. Maybe you have. But it is easy to turn the sweetest BDSM blog into a subtle sort of pornography.
Buy a few books. Anything written by Pat Califia, Claudia Varrin, Midori or published by Greenery press has my endorsement.
Even if you live seemingly in the midst of nowhere there are probably “much groups,” kinky folks who get together in public restaurants and bars to just hang out and talk. Strangers are welcome and their naiveté understood.
One special bit of advice wouldn’t have occurred to me until I read the stories of a couple of submissive guys. They each hired the services of a professional dominatrix while single and young. This gave them confidence in the reality of their needs. Helped them better understand what they wanted. And - if it lessens your frustration - it may leave you more able to communicate with a non-professional dominant woman.
Back to my main point. When we enter into a BDSM relationship it isn’t likely to be exactly what we imagined.
And it will change. The submissive person may both better learn how to embody surrender and the dominant - shockingly enough - grow in dominance. Dommes aren’t products that come off the assembly line fully assembled with accessories attached.
We evolve in BDSM. There’s no shame in that.
Comments
“Some have discovered their kink. The image never changed. Given the chance to live it they found satiation and satisfaction.”
I would think, Sub Savant, that they were the unlucky ones rather than you. As you say, “The image never changed.” How sad is that? To be frozen, fixated on what you think you’ve found yourself to be? To give up the search for the illusive Grail? To not hunger for more: more personal growth, more sexual knowledge—more more more…ALWAYS MORE.
May the Holy Grail always be in front of you…and not tucked away neatly and darkly where you’ve hidden it.
Because you’re: all grown up and no place to go.
~Angela
Posted by: Angela St. Lawrence | September 29, 2006 12:27 PM
What an emotionally satisfying post, Richard. It is indeed a fascinating world we inhabit. I always think that, no matter if I die tomorrow, I’ve already had such an amazing journey, it’s all been a learning curve, especially my own journey along the Bdsm Path. Hear Hear!
Posted by: Mistress Sky | September 29, 2006 2:52 PM