Femdom Kink is Vanilla

While the abundance of idiots means less competition for me, it also means people I care about have to put up with them.

Personally, I talk with people as equals…..as people. It’s just the respectful thing to do. It shows the same respect that I expect.

Seeing people as fantasy objects isn’t just a male thing though. There are plenty of women who look for men to gleefully do their housework and not have any of those pesky needs or desires. That whole “it’s all about the domme attitude” is no different than subs who try to fit someone into their one-sided fantasies.

I’m very much interested in women who have been seduced by femdom porn and erotica.

But that is harder to discover online. And usually when you do it is women expressing their doubt about being able to live up to it.

Being able to document how it distorts womens’ images of female domination and male submission would be a very worthwhile project.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head regarding the disconnect between male and female communication, particularly on fetish websites.

I’ve had profiles up on vanilla and kinky sites, and the problem is definitely ten times worse on the kinky sites.

Maybe it’s because there’s a more coy “courtship” mentality on vanilla sites, but kink sites are more blatantly sexual?

Wonderfully expressed as usual, Richard. It is tiresome to continually repeat “I am a person, not a cardboard cutout of some fantasy that you’ve generated from inaccurate stereotypes.” If I weren’t in a relationship already I think I would find this frustrating beyond belief.

In the future when dealing with the confused or clueless, I think I’ll offer the link to this article. Sadly, I doubt it will have much effect on a number of those who haven’t already grasped this. I think it’s easier to hang on to the fantasy than it is to step out and risk meeting the real person.

I think sometimes even participants in sexual subcultures forget that the sex is not the whole point of everything.

Men aren’t gay because they like ass-fucking; they’re gay because they have an erotic attachment to men. You can go out looking for anonymous gay sex, but if you want an actual relationship, you’re dealing with a whole person just like anywhere else.

The same is true of femdom stuff. Yes, there are days that I just want a play partner, but I’m still a human being wanting to play with another human being. I don’t exist to satisfy someone else’s fantasies, and I won’t forget that you don’t exist just to satisfy mine either.

I think in vanilla dating, most men know/realize that it is dating and not just “how do I get a girl to do that thing I saw in a porno,” but when you meet around a kinky sexuality, they forget the lesson.

I am not more or less sexual/real/human/complete depending on whether your friend set us up on a blind date or we met on collarme. Still a person in all cases.

Richard, your observations are so on target it is just uncanny. It is an ongoing frustration with FemDom Phone service (not that some of my peers don’t perpetuate the mythology by not drawing a clear line for their callers) that it is hard to get a caller to understand that we are in FANTASY mode. That I am THEIR fantasy. And who I am changes with each caller. I am not REAL and they should not expect women in their everyday lives to live up to FANTASY. I sometimes believe many men think the sex is the core of the relationship. So they think love will come from that, which is just so unfair…most of all to themselves. Which foretells a lifetime of misery for them.

Richard, as a woman newly exploring the sexual side of my dominant nature, I found this entry particularly intriguing….women, I think particularly those of us new to a Femdom dynamic, can also be overwhelmed by their desires…sometimes making us act stupidly. I’m struggling personally to find a balance between addressing my desires yet keeping it “real” enough to attract quality men. It’s been an interesting exploration of Self, to say the least.

You aren’t alone: many female tops have expressed a concern about finding the right “zone” in which the full range of needs are met. Especially when confronted by needy masochists like myself.

(random side note- Hi Angela!)

I love how you put this. I’ve long said that most submissive men forget that dominant women are, indeed, women.

Too many of them loose sight of the fact that the person on the other end of the crop is a PERSON.

The thing with D/s relationships is (from my POV) that it is a RELATIONSHIP.In any relationship 2 people share a common interest, no different from an enthusiasm for trains or Stock Car racing.

You meet the person and forge a relationship based on trust where you can act Vanilla (walks in park, romantic dinners etc) and understand the person as a person. Then when the need takes you in private, “turn on your Kink” and enjoy your fantasies. I can understand people can be nervous of fulfilling fantasies in D/s but if theres a clear line you’ve both set out then both Male and Female get what they want. A loving, caring place to be with eachother and then the ability to play.

A relationship is a relationship

Strongly, strongly seconded. Excellent post, Richard.

It’s this observation exactly that proves the point of kink being just as sexist as everything else, only the outlets of that sexism are slightly different.