Mistakes: Don't Bother with Shame & Blame
» Emotional Health
Anyone who has read my site for any length of time knows the credit and praise I’ve expressed for Alexandra’s attentiveness to my wellbeing when we play.
Domme, Domina, top, Goddess: choose your term. She’s gifted, able, caring and careful.
But even she can make a mistake.
You read many submissive men and women expressing concern that they don’t try hard enough to submit. They worry that they are selfish, don’t stretch their limits. Lack in sufficient trust of their Mistress or Master.
If they fret about offering adequate surrender and obedience chances are they give it.
Every dominant worthy of controlling or owning another has a clear sense of his or her responsibility to not damage the slave. I’ve never warmed to the line about protecting property. The bottom is either a play partner who will return to normal life after a scene or is a lover or friend. Not carelessly injuring another is the mark of an honorable, decent person.
We all express our desire to communicate and do as well as our personality permits.
And everybody makes mistakes.
I’ll share with you one of Alexandra’s. (Please reread the first sentence.)
One night at the end of a session she told me to take a shower. I hesitated, resisted. (The details are forgotten but aren’t the gist of this narrative.)
The house was cool and I cool air, moisture and my ears are a bad mix for me. A damp ear can leave me ill for a couple of days.
I took my shower.
And I got sick.
There’s no blame in this. I’m not even sure if there was an alternate solution.
I could’ve refused. But not having witness this damnable quirk of my biology she might’ve thought I was being willful.
We listen to each other. We do our best. Even with intelligence and best intentions things will go awry.
Accept and learn from it and move on. Don’t poison yourself with excessive feelings of failure or shame. Whatever our role we’re really just people.
Comments
As you said you respect her, She takes care of you. That is the most forthright thing in your mind. She is human, therefore, just as we do, She will make mistakes. As long as one can admit they are wrong, then half the battle is over.
Jay
Posted by: Jay | March 9, 2006 6:27 PM
Sometimes one of the two people make a mistake and the sense of failure can be very damaging to a relationship. Once – quite innocently – she told me to do something that (for complicated reasons) I knew might be very dangerous but she didn’t have any way of knowing that. For a few days I was worried how guilt might affect her. But it all came out OK in the end.
Posted by: Richard | March 9, 2006 6:38 PM
The alternate solution would have been a blow dryer in your ears immediately after the shower. Perhaps you shouldn’t blame her :)
Posted by: Cher | March 9, 2006 10:49 PM
Don’t have a hair dryer.
I don’t “blame” her. My point is to accept mishaps without blaming the other or feeling shame on your part.
Posted by: Richard | March 9, 2006 10:53 PM
I’ve never felt ‘blame’ from any of the few actual ‘mistakes’ I’ve made. If anything it’s my own desire to be perfect which can at times cause a small amount of guilt or at least disappointment with a certain outcome, though it’s only happened a small handful of times.
Come to think of it, I’m not sure blame is very good in any sort of realtionship where you want intimacy.
Posted by: Alexandra | March 13, 2006 11:42 AM