Online Conversations about BDSM

» Emotional Health

My participation networked computer conversations predates HTML.

Once you get over the pleasure of conversing with wise, witty, knowing, eloquent strangers you can’t help but notice a problem.

This problem is familiar enough in flesh life. But aggravated by the loss of the contextual clues of talking face to face. And branching out from one on one to group discussion it becomes more pronounced. Turn the topic to sexuality and inexperience; buried assumptions and weak self-understanding push it to the edge. Nowhere is this clearer than in talk about kink and fetish.

People talk at cross-purposes.

You wind up with a tangled skein of varying premises, goals, contexts. People think they are talking about A. But really it is A, B and C.

Discussions about power exchange and sadomasochism in interpersonal relationships are exemplary.

People are either looking for or in various kinds of relationships:

  • Emotionally detached BDSM
  • Play partners
  • Friends
  • Dating
  • Committed lovers
  • People you visit
  • Someone you live with

And those relationships make be enacted:

  • In person
  • Via cyberspace

And folks practice:

  • Monogamy
  • Polyamory
  • Transitory hookups
  • Stables of virtual “slaves”

We practice our S&M and D/s in varying ways:

  • 24/7 TPE
  • Lifestyle
  • Bedroom Play
  • Fauxdomination
  • Unlabelled

Someone who wants or has a romantic, monogamous BDSM relationship has very different goals than a collector of armies of webcam fans. Discussions where people have diverse goals without keeping the distinctions firmly in mind spin out of control (often taking far too long to burn and crash).

Even people of good will can be caught unwittingly promoting personal choices as an agenda.

I have another BDSM communications peeve: people who take the abstract points being made personally. As if the writer were addressing them rather than an idea.

Or responding to someone’s strong but polite defense of their point of view as an attempt to make trouble.

These last two seem to be weaknesses more common among tops. (Why I don’t know: but the pattern seems consistent.)

The cure? Ha! There isn’t one. The best policy is often to just drop out of the conversation. Find another that is more fun.

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Comments

“I have another BDSM communications peeve: people who take the abstract points being made personally. As if the writer were addressing them rather than an idea.

Or responding to someone’s strong but polite defense of their point of view as an attempt to make trouble.

These last two seem to be weaknesses more common among tops. (Why I don’t know: but the pattern seems consistent.)”

Because we think the world revolves around us, of course. ;)

“These last two seem to be weaknesses more common among tops. (Why I don’t know: but the pattern seems consistent.)”

Because we think the world revolves around us of course! ;)

Were you the one who said in a post, “I want her to ravish my soul.” ?

If it was you.. that is so lovely, I meant to comment on it when I read it.

That sentence may be the hottest and most beautiful thing I’ve read in a long time.

That kind of deep passionate experience isn’t easily achieved but that is of course part of what makes it so moving.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Online Conversations about BDSM. Please stick to the topic of the entry. Forthright disagreement is fine as long as it is civil.
My thanks,
Richard


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