Safeword? Yes!

» Emotional Health

I’d been meaning to write this earlier. R’s comment made me decide to quit putting it off:

While I realize this is intended as a gift (“you can do almost anything you want to me”), it essentially puts the top in the situation of knowing she’ll have to watch the bottom closely because he won’t safeword until he’s actually over his limit.

(I suggest that you read her whole note.)

I’ve recanted and asked Alexandra for a safeword. She’d offered me one but I refused it.

I’m sure dominants like the idea of unlimited freedom with a human canvas. But

A guy who doesn’t want a safeword isn’t so much as giving all but seeking thrills. We want to be pushed into ecstasy. Nothing seems more intoxicating that the total loss of freedom. We hope she will take us into an emotional space that we only reach in our fantasies.

Really puts a huge burden on the Domme. She already has to keep an watchful eye: though cruel she must be careful. Certainly for someone like myself in a loving relationship with a sadist shouldn’t I ease her burden?

Alexandra knows that I want to sink deeply, to give her all I can. We’ll each enjoy our individual harvest of passion and pleasure. If anything I honor her more by saying that I will try to be solicitous of my safety. It will leave her freer to creatively enjoy her use of my body and heart.

No one should take my asking for a safeword as a lack of faith in Alexandra. More than once she has saved me when my mind sunk in submission left me unable to speak. I’ve never been more proud of my lover in learning how I could trust her vigilance.

Actually once, months ago, I did safeword out. We were doing something potentially too risky - nails on the floor of a dark closet - seemingly innocent and she had know way of knowing. Not having a safeword I just said “safeword” and the scene ended.

So my safeword will be “safeword” and not rutabaga or supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. And if I’m hooded or gagged (pretty please?) I’ll snap my fingers three times.

We’ll both be happier. She can work her will without fearing she’s harming me. I can more freely vocalize my pain: hopefully she’ll better enjoy my suffering and I will thrill to know that. Oh, there are few things lovelier than knowing that the one you love is taking delight in watching you flinch.

Earlier I wrote that I should do this: No Safeword.

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I have commented on the giving-up-of-safewords on my blog ( Essentailly they are a gift from both sides. Reciving the gift of having a safeword taken away is just as much a gift as taking away the safeword.

Another thing that I have noticed, is that not-having-a-safeword is a badge of hardcoreness that some people wear with pride, without understanding the full implications. Like “Look at them, they are so hardcore they don’t even need the breaks!”. The dangers here are obvious.

And finally, giving up a safeword adds a certain… je n’sais quoi… to BDSM. The power exchange roles are all twisted around. They are simultaniously magnified (because, as you say, the dom has to be more careful) and yet turned back around to what I can only call a closer consentual mapping, because now the submissive is truely submissive. They have no choice but to accept whatever will happen to them.

One thing that has worked for us is to give up the safeword in a little box. And if the dominant pulls out the safeword from the box, it is a signal to the submissive that the safeword is gone. It lets the dominant play with the breaks on if thats what they need, but also gives the submissive the true lack of control they crave; mutually exclusively of course!

As an aside, I am a long time reader, frequent blogger-of-your-entries. I recently had to fragment my blog, because there was too much inter-mixing going on between my sexual life and my professional life.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Safeword? Yes!. Please stick to the topic of the entry. Forthright disagreement is fine as long as it is civil.
My thanks,


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