Structured Topping from the Bottom

There was one way in which Alexandra was especially accommodating.

She let me structure much of our S&M play. We’ve always had some “pure S&M” times where we explore possibilities in a disinterested context. (Er, sort of, once I’m in chains how can she restrain herself?)

I do not want to be in charge. Testing and gauging possibilities aside I just want to be her whipping post.

Our goal was to examine how my mind responded to various torments. The hope was to see what was going on inside me and overcome them.

Understanding came late.

In a way I was a lost little boy who didn’t know his way home. Sheer fear prevented me from relaxing and just letting go. Partly it was the canes.

Particularly nipple caning. It sounds so mechanical as to be implausible but if we’d but stipulated that sort of nipple torture would be skipped for now I might have felt significantly less fear. If only it had been within my power to accept that fear. Instead it robbed me of my ability to consent.

When my libido was normal there was a time felt a desire for a harsh nipple caning. I can’t say I really wanted the experience. But I felt a need to offer the experience. Within sane limits the more I dread an act the more I can give her.

Many tops might have felt their dominance was challenged by allowing the bottom to set the agenda. But as I sat helpless on the stool as she thwacked my nipples with kitchenware my only hope was to find myself back where we both wanted me to be.