The Pretty, Pervy Band-Aid Called D/s
» Emotional Health
If the will to reproduce hadn’t been hardwired in our ancestor’s nervous systems we might not be here. Many of us don’t care about producing offspring anymore but that evolutionary necessity has left sexuality a famously frequent focus of our attention.
Sex rarely solves anything other than sexual frustration.
Midori in Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays says:
What I am concerned with here is with people who are investing energy into dominance and submission in hopes that it will somehow fix their problems. Abdication of power in formalized D/s or M/s does not make the helplessness and powerlessness the person feels in the world go away. Taking control of someone else’s life as a dominant or master doesn’t suddenly create order and control in your life where there seemed to be none before. In these cases, the original problems only fester faster and deeper under the pretty, pervy Band-Aid called D/s.
Which made me wonder how many people hope that in D/s they will somehow put their life aright. It is easy to expect too much from intoxicants; drugs and alcohol as well as sex.
I especially wonder about submissive people who concentrate much of their time and energy in searching for a dominant. The obsession and wild fantasies can become unhealthy in themselves. (I know dominants often find themselves in similar frustrated searches but can’t really guess what - aside from being frustrating - it is like for them.)
Surrendering power doesn’t really mean you abdicate all decision-making in your life. Nor will controlling a submissive person make the rest of the world more willing to comply with your wishes.
A satisfying evening of BDSM play feels therapeutic but it isn’t really therapy.
I suspect relationships formed in the hope that D/s will make the people whole have short life expectancy. Disillusion may leave a person feeling worse than before.
Even the most wonderful pleasures have to be kept in perspective.
Comments
For me it’s an outlet for creativity and quasi-sadistic desires, which makes it theraputic to some extent.
I also feel that, especially if done in a relationship, you can learn something about yourself.
When I was young I thought I could become a better person by doing yoga. But in reality a holistic approach is the only one that works.
So I aggree that you shouldn’t rely on D/s as therapy or whatever and instead just feed off of it and make what you can of it.
Posted by: Alexandra | January 22, 2006 6:37 PM
In the past few days I’ve seen two Dommes talking about men wanting a D/s relationship to cure them of things ranging from alocholism to hating women.
… !
Posted by: Richard | January 22, 2006 6:43 PM
While I suspect that D/s is a futile way to resolve a hatred for women, it may not be such an awful way, if properly done, to deal with alchohol. One of the best ways to get rid of a plasure habit is to substitute another.
Posted by: Cuhulin | January 23, 2006 12:29 PM
I’ve had too many addicted people in my life to ever expect anyone to be cured through a relationship or sexual gratification.
“Cure me” isn’t something you should ask of a stranger online.
Thanks for commenting.
Posted by: Richard | January 23, 2006 2:39 PM
I have been looking for a thought like this for a while. One search for a soulmate in Ds, and even when we all know relationships are difficult, one expects the perfect. The perfect to each, what one yearns to hear, to feel, to know….but the fantasy might leave you more frustrated. And yes, desillusion is very difficult to deal with. Could one stop the search?
Posted by: Amanece | January 23, 2006 8:57 PM
I’m a very old fashioned romantic kind of man. Finding someone to bond honestly and deeply with is never easy.
It may be harder for those of us with strong D/s desire since the majority of the population doesn’t share our needs.
But no, I don’t think you should ever stop looking. The rewards of finding the right person are immeasurable.
Posted by: Richard | January 24, 2006 6:58 AM
Maybe therapy is not the original intent of a D/s relationship, but in the right relaiotnship, it can occur naturally. I am new to the life, having been seeing Syre for only 7 weeks. We had originally agreed, after talking online for several weeks, that I was not femme enough for her taste. We did decide to keep in touch, however, and she was willing to talk to me and help me learn some things and maybe meet a Dom with whom I was more compatible. The day we did meet, however, all that went out the window. Since then, we have spent an average of 4 days a week together. She accepts my “little girl” needs for love and security. She is patient and allows me to feel whatever I feel about certain situations, and she takes time to talk through any issues with which I may be struggling. I have been more at peace in every aspect of my life in the past weeks.Her love and acceptance has made it possible for me to explore some painful issues from the past.Her protection and control have given me confidence. I am a stronger person because of what Syre has given to me. I didn’t go into this for therapy, but I am so grateful to her. She has helped me put some things right within myself.I am very excited to see how far this will take us. So,in closing, I do not believe that a person should go into ANY relationship for therapy (unless it is professional therapy). But I do believe that therapy can be a positve side effect of any loving relaiotnship.
Posted by: Syre's slut | March 6, 2006 12:02 AM
If your dominant is gifted with empathy and also your friend and lover I agree that it can be healing. My own friendships have done much to keep me from falling into an emotional blackhole many times.
Sounds like you’ve been very lucky. Finding that kind of person is rare in or out of D/s.
Posted by: Richard | March 6, 2006 7:04 AM