The Problem of Freedom

The specificity of the fetish - unless you’ve never heard of it before - isn’t the interesting part. It is the need to be literally forced that touches on part of the funny psychology with those of us with a need to submit.

We don’t have to submit; we can say no. Thankfully: deep down I know that I’m not looking for a one-woman fascist state.

But even though we know that our consent is the basic lever of her pleasure - the joys in having us under control cascades from its voluntary nature - there’s that nagging little craving that we don’t have any choice. The ultimate form of dominance even though it is without meaningful subordination.

Hence people write of “consensual nonconsensual” BDSM. Everybody probably has their own twist on that. For me it meant not accepting a safeword until the night I might have wound up in the hospital because Alexandra had no way of knowing there might be nails sticking up from the floor of the living room closet.

However blameless she would’ve felt guilty and it could’ve greatly compromised our relationship back in the early days.

For me consensual nonconsensual has come to be those nights when my volition vanishes. My surrendered trance becomes so deep that I can’t act without her will.

Rather than turning Alexandra into a dictator she must be wary, watchful and nurturing. More than once she has rescued me from my own helplessness when unable to speak and protect myself she saw that I was in trouble.

At those times she does own me. Maybe not legally but in every way that matters.

Much of BDSM is smoke and mirrors - stage magic, theater - and every submissive person needs to accept with this.

When I bought Alexandra Claudia Varrin’s books I glanced through them but decided to not read them. I don’t want to look behind the curtain. It is best for the sources of her art to remain a secret.

This isn’t the same as wanting to know what her dominance means to her, how it satisfies her. Part of the basis of our relationship’s basis is in sharing minds.

That D/s is a performance isn’t to trivialize it. Like all good art much of it emerges from the wellsprings of the performers’ hearts. And like any craft it requires preparation, technique and training.

Be at peace with your freedom and give her all of it that you can.

(This dovetails nicely with the prior entry Bondage Versus Submission since nonconsensual sensual touches on the the psychology of bondage.)