The Submissive Person is in Control?
» Emotional Health
Curious about kink in pop culture I decided to watch the CSI : Crime Scene Investigations episodes featuring a ProDomme who calls herself Lady Heather.
In the second episode in which she appears, Lady Heather’s Box, it is asserted three or four times that the submissive person is the one in control. A baldly naïve statement popular among trolls and outsiders who feel they’ve arrived at some major insight.
Naturally in consensual sadomasochistic play those of us on the bottom retain the right to set limits and halt acts that frighten us or are unendurable. It is simpleminded to say that being able to say stop is being in control. An employee may demur at performing some particular task but that doesn’t make him or her the boss.
BDSM is better understood as a dance, team sport or choose your own metaphor for an endeavor whereby more than one person works to create pleasure and excitement. A shared conspiracy to subvert the ordinary.
Surely I speak for the majority of submissive men and women in saying that control is the last thing we want and will do our honorable best to accept the dominant’s will. Nobody wants to use his or her safeword.
Like many beginners I shied away from even having a safeword before I was being selfish and doing Alexandra no favor.
Limits aren’t about power but a regrettable bit of risk aware realism.
Comments
A baldly naïve statement popular among trolls and outsiders who feel they’ve arrived at some major insight.
Richard, lately I’ve been of the mind that this statement is more for the benefit of non-bdsmers, many of whom tend to squick mightily at the idea of being play-pierced, whipped, or “hurt” in unimaginable ways.
BDSM is - in some ways - the new “gay” in that there is more public and media awareness of the activities; such awareness needs to occur before there can be any understanding, let alone acceptance of those in the lifestyle - or even of those just experimenting. The statement that “the submissive is in control” gives some kind of sense of balance to those uninclined.
That said, I also believe that it can be confusing; if a sub is in control, then what possibly could be the motivation for allowing this to happen? And too, why is a domme even bothering if s/he’s not really in control?
Actually, the concept is confusing to non-bdsmers anyway, isn’t it?
Tom The Edge of Vanilla
Posted by: Tom Allen | January 25, 2007 11:36 AM
Hard to say. The first couple of times I encountered it the person was clearly a troll just wanting to provoke people.
In the case of something like CSI given that the treatment of BDSM was very sympathetic it might have been intended as positive propaganda. I tend to doubt that oversimplifying things is really going to be a help.
Posted by: Richard | January 26, 2007 2:04 PM
I tend to doubt that oversimplifying things is really going to be a help.
That’s why I had mixed feelings about that travesty of a movie “Exit to Eden.” Dana Delany had a great part, but there were a couple of sections that seemed “added in” as if the producers said “Okay, now why don’t you have her give a BDSM 101 class so the audience won’t freak out?”
Tom The Edge of Vanilla
Posted by: Tom Allen | January 26, 2007 3:03 PM
I tend to agree with Tom, but I also believe that the safe word is very important - especially when playing with someone inexperienced. No matter the domme’s skill, if you are scening with someone who “detaches”, you have very little idea what’s going on with no reaction to guide you. (That’s been my personal experience…)
Posted by: Mistress Sky | January 30, 2007 3:24 AM
Richard beautifully stated and marvelously insightful, as ever.
Thank you so much for all that you do for us ALL.
MWK
Posted by: MWK | February 1, 2007 5:38 PM