Topping from the Bottom

» Emotional Health

One of the toughest things about writing about erotic power exchange and sadomasochism is that it is so fussily, so damnably contingent.

How many different ways of enacting these psychodramas are there?

  • ProDomme with client
  • Strangers at a play party
  • Regular - what shall we call it? - kink buddies
  • BDSM play between friends.
  • Lovers
  • 24/7 or TPE with or without some of the above

Normally when writing I just bulldoze past all this. But in thinking of a couple of things this afternoon the myriad forms of fetish and BDSM based interaction made it hard for me to think at all.

Take the dreaded topping from the bottom.

If you really want surrender that isn’t something you want to do. Ordinarily anyway. But as I explained recently Alexandra allowing me to shape some of our play was exceedingly helpful for me during a troubled phase.

But this wicked bottom topping isn’t simple. Maybe in your role as top you want more than the other can give. Berating them is senseless. Rather you need to be sure what level of submission you need. See if they can offer it. If they can’t then you are mismatched. Might be time to part.

Of course in the merry old land of femdom often it is the man shoving the responsibility of control onto the woman. Not that she doesn’t relish power. But she may have other things she wishes to do than supervise your every moment.

And the submissive person has to really seek to know how much surrender they can offer. Maybe you can’t meet your dominant’s needs. That doesn’t mean you are immoral. But in the totality of your relationship it is possible you are setting the two of you up for repeated cycles of frustration. Maybe you each need someone else. However much you each feel you love one another.

Of course both participants need to sit down and discuss this. Perhaps there is some simple block to deeper submission. One that can be overcome. Risk aware consensual power exchange shouldn’t be treated as a matter of ethics unless one member is dishonest. Then the D/s aspects are really a minor side issue.

Many dominants express a fear of becoming service tops. That is they are performing acts solely with the intention of satisfying the bottom, the top’s own needs forgotten. But - hey - what about the poor service bottom.

Oh, right. That is what we are there for. Er, well it is contingent (see above).

Ignoring the people who think of D/s as a license to relive the worst days of human chattel slavery we cycle back to each knowing what they both want and are able to offer.

Arguments aren’t going to settle anything. Sitting down and clearly seeking to discern what are wants, needs, capabilities: that is what you do. Seeking to discover if the relationship can be modified so each person gets what they need. Accepting that the pairing, warm feelings aside, is a mistake.

All the rhetoric of being a ‘real’ this and a ‘true’ that serve no purpose.

Having lived through some hellish love affairs I’ve made the mistake of letting passion sweep me along. I should’ve looked at myself and my so-called lover with cold clarity. Much pain and shouting would’ve been spared.

This is mostly addressed to masochists and submissive persons like myself. Don’t get caught up in guilt. Don’t listen to the preachers of the only true lifestyle. Naturally you should honestly strive to do all you can to make things workout. But often they can’t be. Forego the bad pain of relationship damnation so that each of you can find what will bring happiness and fulfillment.

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I am intrested to see that this topic occupies your thoughts. It certainly does mine…

From your blog your marriage has tended to look like 24/7 TPE.

Why is this troubling you?

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Topping from the Bottom. Please stick to the topic of the entry. Forthright disagreement is fine as long as it is civil.
My thanks,


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