Tops: Self-Acceptance, Self-Control, BDSM Addiction

» Emotional Health

I guess it is natural that most discourse about emotional needs and care in BDSM focuses on the bottom (submissive person, masochist).

  • We get hit
  • We are humiliated
  • And degraded
  • We leave ourselves open and vulnerable

How simplistic. The bottom may have more life experience, be more emotionally seasoned, have a less stressful job or have had a happier upbringing. Tops (dominants, sadists) being mortal are equally prone to sadness, pains and rotten childhoods.

(Anyone who reads and observes knows how many dominant people have felt ashamed for being ill or even merely tired. They too sometimes take antidepressants to get through their days. And being at the top of a power exchange doesn’t mean that some haven’t committed suicide.)

Some tops hide there anxieties and struggles. Maybe it is fear of being diminished in the eyes of the ‘fetish community’ or only in the mind of the bottom. They let themselves become burdened by their role in BDSM. For all the joy and passion kink is not the whole of life.

While some of us are lucky enough to growup free of the soporific charms of social convention most folks have to work to gain comfort in casting off the conventions learned from family and peers.

Gaining Self-Acceptance

Regardless of the power and control they may eventually come to enjoy with their submissive life mates and play partners a top may have to struggle with their needs and desires.

  • Was facing your sadism, pleasure in power tough?
  • How did you get past it?
  • Is their lingering emotional turmoil?

(My intuition is that female sadists have greater difficulty in accepting their pleasure in hurting someone. Often it seems to be a second stage after internalizing their dominant nature.)

Fear of Losing Balance

As a top you feel pride in enacting your role with grace and discernment. And take care of anyone who surrenders so much to you.

But you want more. To amplify the experiences. Some specific act gives you doubt. Or to inflict more suffering: physically and emotional? Do you ever worry that perhaps one day you will push too far or expect more than is wise?

(Honestly, mostly I’m aware of bottoms that feel guilt at not being able to do what is wanted. Perhaps when the top goes to far shame causes the event to be concealed by silence.)

Addiction to Worship

Someone - whether the term is submissive person, slave or bottom - by choice humbles himself before you and gazes upon you with adoration. Yes, you cherish him for that. The humble look in his eye gladdens your heart.

Worship - history testifies - is an edgy emotion: the human heart pushing into the depths. In power exchange it is man made most fragile.

But how fragile is the person on whom it is bestowed? People pursue the esteem of others avidly. And what can magnify the ego more than happily given adoration?

  • Could it tempt you to want more than can be given?
  • Could it become necessary to your self-acceptance, self-esteem?

(It has been some time since I saw evidence of this. But I do remember when I was first exploring the subcultures associated with female dominance reading the words of isolated dominant women - most often in rural settings - who came to accept their role as some sort of given of nature. It was like peering into a festering pustule in a psychotic mind.)

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Comments

These are all really interesting posts, honey. I’ll reply in more detail a bit later. You sound so much more experienced than you/we did, say, two years ago.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Tops: Self-Acceptance, Self-Control, BDSM Addiction. Please stick to the topic of the entry. Forthright disagreement is fine as long as it is civil.
My thanks,
Richard


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