What is Wrong With Loving Female Authority
» Emotional Health
This is a simplification. And it is mostly focused in the world of F/m blogs.
Every submissive person is apt to know guilt if only rarely in feeling that they’ve been inadequate in pleasing their partner. Shockingly many dominant persons have been known to have similar regrets.
In the back of my mind has been the nagging feeling that men in Loving Female Authority marriages and Female Led Relationships seem to express frequent quilt. Compared to those of us who’ve evolved our own style of BDSM and sadomasochistic love affairs.
And there often seems to be a party line. That stems mostly from E.S. and other promoters of female superiority and supremacy. I like and admire a few female supremacists. Usually the relaxed ones with a sense of humor. Usually “FS” aside they are egalitarians.
The LFA / FLA bloggers have created a subculture. It isn’t uncommon for guys who’ve discovered and are somehow hoping to be able to establish a power exchange relationship with their wife or girlfriend to take these bloggers as the paradigm with which they will now define their romantic relationships.
I was reading the blog of a man who has cajoled his wife into becoming dominant. He sounded pretty miserable. Now he’s a performer of chores. Often berated. Sex? Hah! And he’s struggling to accept it.
Maybe he should. How would I know? But his crisis of conscience stems from read the LFA / FLR blogs. He’s confused to be both elated and depressed to find himself treated like dirt.
What strikes me as sad and bad is that he is treating his suffering as a moral issue. That he is a failure.
Just because you read something in a book or blog, see it in a movie or on the web doesn’t mean it is true. Or right for you.
Or your wife.
Some women simply sweep it under the rug and pretend they never learned of this side of their guy’s sexuality. Others go straight for divorce court.
And a few try to accommodate the guy.
Some women do take naturally to being an authoritarian female and remaining in love. Others, well
Some couples abandon the project because it doesn’t work out to mutual satisfaction.
Some women simply become bitches.
I suspect because many of them can only conceive of dominance that way. They can’t figure out how to fit love into it. Some become confused perhaps even resentful because their ideas about love have been violated. A few may simply lack the emotional intelligence to modulate their newfound power.
These people usually vanish from the web. No way to know if they go back to their prior conventional life, continue in misery or get divorced.
My point here is not that Loving Female Authority and Female Led Relationships are inherently flawed and unworkable ways of living together. But they might not be right for you or your spouse.
If you are mismatched it may be best to separate. And some do once the children are raised.
The estimable Darren summed up some of my own discomfort in Loving Female Authority?
And I wrote elsewhere about When He Feels a Failure
Comments
This entry on love possibly being the missing peice reminded me of this web site I stumbles on quite some time ago so I’ll give it a plug. It uses the whole submissive man as a Devoted Knight to his Lady/Queen as it’s pretense. If you can get your head around that, there seemed to be quite a bit of food for thought. Ok, now I’m rambling so I’ll just includer the link. http://www.cair4.com/
Posted by: Lee | February 18, 2007 11:29 AM
From what I’ve seen, some of the problems arise from people having different definitions of “dominant” and “submissive”. Some feel that the sub, in order to be a real submissive, must put his or her desires aside and be miserable. And the domme should sit back and demand that the sub do all the chores. There are sooo many different styles of dominance and submission, and people often don’t understand that. They just assume “he wants a relationship with a domme, and now she’s become one, so they’ll get along well”. There’s often this idea that he should just accept her style of dominance without question, because looking after his own happiness would be un-submissive.
So I feel that having different ideas or styles can cause problems……..but I also feel you’re dead-on with what you said about how some people refuse to believe that love (or equality) can coexist alongside a bdsm relationship.
Of course, things like this could be avoided if people would actually talk to each other. A shocking, radical idea, I know, but it works.
Posted by: roo-roo | February 18, 2007 4:56 PM
After writing the above I returned to the blog of the guy whose problems prompted me to write this.
He continued to push his wife to dominant him with the result that she has said she wants a separation.
Posted by: Richard | February 18, 2007 5:10 PM
Is the issue really the blogs? A lot of the men creating blogs like the one you mention above seem to have very poor marriages/relationships to begin with and then seem to think that a change in sexual behavior will suddenly make them feel whole again.
They have very unrealistic goals that seem to be devoid of any context of their marriage/relationship and then are disappointed when either a) their significant other isn’t down with their highly formalized vision for the future of their relationship or b) the woman takes the man at face value and then the guy decides that maybe he doesn’t want the extreme femdom fantasy he thought he did (the guy being ignored, for example).
Posted by: Concerned | February 19, 2007 7:30 PM
Everything you say seems sadly true.
I mentioned blogs because the person who inspired this entry mentioned them and I’ve read other men who point to F/m blogs as examples of what they themselves should be doing.
Posted by: Richard | February 19, 2007 8:54 PM
Dude,
If getting the crap spanked out of you for no reason other than satisfying a S/M fetish works for you i think that’s great, even though i don’t get it in the least. But why knock us, simply don’t get it, and besides most Women I know would never get into hardcore S/m scene but sure love a man that waits on them hand and foot and treats them like a Queen. I might suggest not completely knocking something till you try it!
Posted by: helpmate hubby | February 27, 2007 1:36 AM
Doesn’t seem like you really read what I wrote.
Sadly due to limitations of time I don’t worry about what most women might want.
Posted by: Richard | February 27, 2007 4:45 AM