Your True Way
» Emotional Health
Because it was lengthy the prior note about D/s as a special sort of “energy exchange” was published without any editorializing by me.
I think this women in an old Vargas illo is riding an imaginary horse bu I’m not sure. She looks happy.
Blogs by women who enjoy erotic dominance have allowed our abstract perception of their individuality to evolve to more specific appreciations of how varied their interest in and appetite for this kind of play really are. Too long a sentence. Different women want different things: a tautology but one of which to be mindful.
Many women as they try to be open to their partners’ needs, their own dominant inclinations run smack into:
- BDSM clichés
- 24/7 power exchange
- Femdom stereotypes
- Intense male masochism
- Mass media iconography
- People who push a D/s agenda
They present pictures of acts these women find ugly. Suggest that a dominant woman must act in a certain way. Push them to adopt titles that don’t reflect their sense of who they are.
The women see depictions of horrific cruelty and shudder. Or a leather clad she-wolf that they’d never want to emulate.
Even the concepts popularized under the terms female led relationships and loving female authority embody lifestyles many women don’t want.
All they see is who they are not. Sadly this often leaves women feeling that they are failing in some way. They aren’t living up to the role. That in some way they are fakes.
Nonsense. The only role anyone should seek is one with which they are comfortable and is true to their own desires. Sexuality and romance don’t respond to pressure. Relax, take your time and learn what makes you happy. If someone else tells you otherwise ignore him.
I quoted the woman who spoke of D/s play as an energy exchange as an example as another way of seeing it.
Think of BDSM as a collaborative art. Like a ballet, sport or game. It is a pity that D/s as theater often evokes a negative response. The actors strive as best they can to embody their roles. The play ends and the leave the theater to resume their normal lives.
Create your own metaphor.
Most people don’t build their relationships around dominance and submission (though those that do often write my favorite blogs). Nor should you unless that is what is right for you.
Your true way.
Possibly relevant:
Comments
It seems obvious but it took me a few months to finally shake off the idea that I had to fit into a cookie cutter view of what a sexually dominant person was. If you were to construct a book on BDSM for newbies this would be a good opening.
The funny thing is, that no amount of reading would have done it for me. One day I just ‘realized’ how that part of my personality fitted the jigsaw puzzle and I felt much more confident about it.
Posted by: Alexandra | December 9, 2006 6:44 PM
Richard, thankyou for a beautifully wise post.
warmest wishes,
Magdelena
Posted by: Magdelena | December 9, 2006 7:25 PM
I think you’ve hit on a very valid point. To many of us subservient men, submissiveness is a way of life which we have fantasized about or enacted for a long time. It has had time to evolve in our psyche. To many of us, it has been an obsession for a long time. If we’re lucky enough, we find a partner who we believe may be disposed to this lifestyle practice.
But often, to these newly initiated, it is both foreign and daunting. A spark may exist in their consciousness; they may be sexually aroused by the opportunities presented, but often they have no idea how to express their emotions and certainly don’t have the years of research or compulsive searching that the submissive has.
This is new territory for them. They are starting from scratch. Yet, too often, the submissive expects them to have the same euphorias or obsessions. This is simply unrealistic. Even if we, as submissives, guide our partners into this mindset, can we expect them to grasp the dimensions of our obsession? Can we expect them to embrace this lifestyle as we do? Of course not (unless we are lucky enough to stumble across someone with likelminded obsessions).
This is a change of life for our chosen partners. This is new to them and potentially has a profound effect on their future relationship with us. This is not a case of simply adjusting ones temperament to suit the whims of one’s partner. This is a major turning point in their consciousness. In many respects it is totally foreign to them. Unlike the submissive, they don’t have the advantage of having studied or poured over the various subject matter associated with this lifestlye.
More often than not, this is a new sensation, a new revelation, and it must be nurtured as one nurtures a child’s development.
Posted by: Anonymous | December 19, 2006 11:30 PM