Colossus and the Amazon Queen

As Colossus and the Amazon Queen begins Ed triumphs in what looks to be the World’s Toughest Fighter contest of classical times. Like most ancient heroes (even in the original myths) he seems to spend much of his time laughing, roughhousing and getting drunk. Probably was the ancient equivalent of a frat boy in his youth.

This makes our hero an easy target for men who say they are looking a strong man to help them on a voyage to find treasure. Ed doesn’t want to go but is easily put to rest when is best friend sneaks up and knocks him out. When he wakes up aboard ship Ed doesn’t mind: what else does he have to do.

Sure enough there’s lots of gold and silver on the uncharted island (those islands are always home to wealth or monsters for some reason). And plenty for Ed and the crew - all hunks - to eat and drink. Naturally the wine contained an ancient Roman Mickey Finn.

Turns out the lads have been shanghaied and sold to the women of the Queendom of the Amazons. These female - supremacists? - separatists? - it isn’t clear are willing to trade treasure for men. The guys are pissed to wake up in prison but break out into smiles when they learn they are to become the sex slaves of beautiful warrior women.

There are men native to the Queendom but they function only as servants. The do the cooking and sewing, gossip a lot and whine that the women just don’t understand how hard it is to keep a home going. House hubbies of a sort, presumably permanently chaste.

Ed’s immature charm and big biceps inevitably mean an important Amazon will fall for him. And so the plot complications ensue.

The most interesting is the final fate of the men. After one night of passion they’ll be tossed into a pit guarded by bears where they’ll spend the rest of their lives in hard slavery, never to see a woman again. The young Amazons don’t know this, it being a state secret known only to the elders.

The movie grows ever less coherent. The Queens of the Amazons whines because virginity is a requirement of the office. And the girl she wants to unload the crown on is the one in love with Ed.

The alternative candidate is the inevitable evil conniver. Hilariously she unwillingly teams up with an even worse conniver played by Rod Taylor who would go on to become an A List actor. Rod wants to bed her but she will have none of it since the loss of chastity would bar her from the thrown. So he engages in profit making schemes that embarrass her. If there’s ever been a man who tops from the bottom it is this guy.

As the story wackily progresses the Queendom of the Amazons is attacked by pirates. While the Amazons are trained to be warriors from birth the always seem to be readily defeated by the bad guys.

Naturally their former lovers are freed from their pit and save the day. The men and women stand arm and arm with no gynosupremacist worries in sight.

The movie ends with the Queen deciding to go amend the constitution so she can put an end to her own chastity.

Colossus and the Amazon Queen doesn’t appear to be available separately on DVD. I discovered it only by accident because I bought this incredibly cheap collection of fifty sword and sandal movies.

As I’ve mentioned before the old sword and sandal movies have lots of women in power, a fair number of them cruel Men are often in chains, sometimes even whipped. Art they are not but usually plenty of the cast - both sexes - are attractive.