Suffering and Struggling

Early on in our conversations I asked Alexandra if making me suffer would give her pleasure. She said yes. Later that night the recollection of this exchange left me virtually drunk with excitement.

That conversation came back to me while reading Bitch Jones on suffering:

Suffering is better than pain. Suffering means it isn’t nice. Pain can be alchemised into sparkling fun, suffering can’t. Suffering goes on. Suffering sounds rather like someone locked in a dungeon dying of thirst, which I can eroticise with embarrassingly casual ease. Suffering is so close to sacrifice it’s almost a cheat having both.

And suffering doesn’t have to be physical. It can be mental anguish. Which I like.

Dying of thirst is one of my hard limits.

Still suffering as something that doesn’t offer the obvious reward of physical S&M is an experience that I can eroticize and gain indirect satisfaction from in feeling the sadist’s pleasure.

Alexandra has recently expressed the wish to explore this. To date my intermittent health problems have prevented her. Hopefully not for much longer.

Similarly she told me that she eroticizes how much I sometimes have to struggle lately when I’m down on the floor licking here boots. Some might see that as a “sick” feeling. But it is sadomasochistically intelligible and wholesome to me.

Overcoming discomfort and really exerting myself in an effort to please her if anything is a way for me to give her more even if to an observer on Mars I might seem to be performing less. Her enjoyment of my struggling is also part of my reward.