BDSM vs. Vanilla Dating
» Gender Follies
During the three years I’d written on this site some of the comments on my casual notes have been consistent but sadly divergent.
Women like to see their humanity, personhood, individuality, limitations acknowledged.
But all too many of the men leave comments that veer off into bad irrationality and obsessive fantasy.
The women don’t want to be objectified; the guys continue to will them into fetish objects. I bet if I were notes about conventional heterosexual dating a pretty similar pattern would emerge. When I wrote Femdom Kink is Vanilla I was given a specific instance of something that has been nagging at the rear of my brain for some time: I’m not sure to what degree fetish dating and kinky romance diverges from the vanilla in essence. The devilment is in the details.
I’ve been trying to decide if the situation is tougher - worse - in F/m relationships. My gut says no. My brain says maybe.
Incompatibility may be harder to reconcile - hide - in female dominant, submissive male interaction. The falsity is more visible.
And the tremendous inhibition some of the men feel pushes them into such heavy fetishization that they reveal the specifics they are trapped by. The vanilla man may want 37” breast but is habituated to accepting less. He may want anal sex but his sexual socialization has taught him that isn’t the wisest opening gambit.
The masochistic male has spent so long in repressed fantasy that he doesn’t know how to escape. And very possibly doesn’t really plan to. Writing begging emails becomes his sex life.
The solution: don’t hold your breath for one. Aside from a sudden evolution of sexual sanity I suspect that how ever much we try to help them understand this imbalance will persist.
Oh heck, this wasn’t the entry I meant to write. I’m just going to post this unhappy fragment as is.
Maybe you’ll offer a cheering alternate view.
Comments
My dear boyfriend never actually hoped to have a relationship like ours - one where he actually feels owned. I suppose if he continued to feel hopeless for long enough, it might screw him up and make him a less good partner even for a dom. That would be sad indeed.
I think it is possible for anyone (but especially, it seems, men) to become nothing but an Internet wanker, filled with fantasies with no outlet and no real plans to develop a real relationship with someone.
If you feel that you can never attract a partner anyway, then there’s very little to do other than either suffer quietly or foist your sexuality off on people (which I can never condone, obviously).
The only “cure” for the ills of submissive men is for there to be more women who are open about wanting to be the dominant partner in a relationship. That’s not easy to do for a lot of women, especially with the idea floating around that in order to be dominant you have to be all confident and secure and shit. (Screw that.)
Feeling sexually useless is not good for men. And most people are not sexually useless, and could find that out if they could find ways to both (a) meet people (e.g., by leaving the house) and (b) learn to be (appropriately) open about their desires.
Ramble ramble ramble…
Posted by: Dev | November 19, 2007 3:44 PM
The masochistic male has spent so long in repressed fantasy that he doesnt know how to escape.
Very nice.
Destiny
Posted by: Destiny | November 25, 2007 10:42 AM