Do Dommes Want Dummies?

I wonder if some subby types think that women actually hate men, so they are offering themselves as the opposite of what men normally consider as “manly”?

Years ago, I casually and cautiously approached a gf with the idea of femdom, and the first thing out of her mouth was a derisive comment about men who act like pathetic, groveling worms. At the time, I really didn’t know how to counter such antagonistic ideas, so I dropped it. Too bad, really, since she otherwise had the makings of a good top - not to mention a rather pleasant Amazonian build.

There seems to be plenty of evidence that some non-kinky men see women as man haters.

Though I suspect some of the sad submissive guys suffer from insecurity about their gender and sexual orientation that creates guilt and is in turn projected on to women in various odd ways.

There are misandrous women, thankfully they seem a very rare species.

Reading subs talk about how worthless they are makes me wonder- what woman will value someone who doesn’t even value himself? If he’s so worthless and vile, why would she want to be with him?

You wrote something that got me thinking in this post:

“In F/m perceived ruthless cruelty sometimes takes the place of the pretty face and body vanilla men crave.”

This is something that I’ve thought about for a long time. It seems to me that, within a lot of the BDSM community, the idea of physical beauty or attractiveness (at least in the traditional sense) is far less important than in the vanilla community. If you can find someone with your common interest, kink, or compatible lifestyle, that trumps the physical attraction you’d search for in a vanilla relationship. I’ve even seen several posts online from dominants who attack submissives who’ve pondered why most of the dominants they meet seem to be physically unattractive to them. I’m not sure this is a reaction to the idea that a sub has no right to demand such attractiveness, or simpy a distaste for the shallowness of the sub in the first place.

In any case, as a primarily submissive guy, I have to say that physical attraction is still extremely important to me. In fact, much of the appeal of submission for me comes from the idea that the woman dominanting me is superbly beautiful. If I’m NOT physically attracted to a domme, it’s hard for me to get excited about the idea of being dominated. But that’s just me…

Am I alone? I wonder how much imporance subs, either male or female, put on the physical attractiveness of their partner? And, likewise, how much importance do dominants put on this? Does it matter if the person you’re dominating or submitting to is in shape? Beautiful? Hot? Etc.

I certainly need a certain mindset from a top. Looking nice is great but useless if there isn’t a complementary affinity of needs and desires.

The idea that a submission person doesn’t have the right to expect whatever he or she feels they need is preposterous. But specificity of desires is inherently self-limiting. It makes it much less likely that you’ll ever get what you want.

It’s probably true that people with high standards in one area (whatever that is) have to relax them in another. If you are only interested in dating women who want to own you for a slave, for instance (and many people’s needs are more specific than that even), it makes it hard to find a partner if you also need someone who is really hot looking. Probabilities just don’t run in your favor.

I kind of hate when people are that picky about appearances, but it’s not a matter of thinking submissive men shouldn’t dare to have preferences. I agree with Richard that that is silly. Submissive men get all the same rights as other humans.

I like that my boyfriend & slave is attractive, but it’s not a requirement. I tend to enjoy whatever is there and not worry about whatever is not.

Physical attraction is important to me too, but no more so than it is to anyone in the ‘nilla world. I know it may sound shallow, but I don’t play (or get into a relationship) with someone unless I’m at least a little attracted to her physically.

If there is a failing in this it would be in telling yourself or women you approach untruths.

Honesty is more important than specifics.

I think a lot of the submissive men that go on and on about how worthless they are have a fetish for being told how worthless they are.

It’s a shame, because frankly, dominating a weak, boring wet noodle of a man holds no appeal to me. I like smart, ambitious, man- I like to take something from someone who has something to give, to knock someone down who has somewhere drop. Where’s the fun in forcing him to grovel if he’s already there?