Muddled musing

A couple of days ago I found a tube of capsaicin that I keep around for joint pain and had a momentary urge to dab a tiny bit of it on my penis.

But I didn’t. Like every masochist I’ve had a go at whipping myself, self-inflicted pain offers me not a whit of satisfaction.

A Kami Tora drawing of a guy bound to a pole, his penis slathered with some hot and spicy cream has been haunting me for days. The image of being left alone and aching is horrifying but compelling.

When I’d thought of my cock being coated with something like Icy Hot, wintergreen oil or capsaicin it was always as a very severe punishment.

I’ve cheerfully detailed my fetishes but there are times when having my desires fixed on one seems mostly a nuisance. That doesn’t stop me from wondering why an old one has suddenly returned to the Top of the S&M Charts.

Sometimes my fantasies are shaped by boringly pragmatic considerations. I can think of few tortures both so agonizing and comparatively safe.

A few days ago feelings of guilt stemming from an aborted session with Alexandra left me needing for her to punish me harshly.

That need for punishment disturbed me momentarily. Then I decided that seeking to compensate for some D/s misfire in later D/s seemed reasonable. (I’ve sometimes wished, without having any clear idea of what I’m wanting, there were sometimes continuity from session to session.)

The urgent desire to be chastised was surprisingly pure. Whatever my feelings about isolation or brutality can be reduced to there wasn’t really any of the fetishistic compulsions. More like seeking balance. Being purged of unwanted negative emotions.

As I said I’d thought of penis torment induced by chemical warmth as a form of punishment (surely somewhat fetishistic: it involves my genitals). Perhaps the desire reignited by the image got mixed with the (perhaps unresolved) feeling that I should be punished.

Or maybe I’m just a hopeless perve. I do enjoy the self-examination even if I can’t come to any real conclusion.