BDSM Confusion
» In Search Of
Having decided that I shan’t be looking for any sort of relationship until the New Year I feel mostly detached from the project.
Still I perform inventories of myself and try to envisage what I’d like from a top. I remain surprisingly agnostic.
Were I willing to - and I’m not - it would be easy to coast along imaging someone before whom I could kneel, who might simply tell me I’m a ‘good boy’ for being humble. That simple craving to express humility scares me: I know it taps deeply into a raw hunger. It is beyond the fetishes and kinks. I’m just lost in the happiness of being pleasing.
Another part of me wants to be slapped and spat upon, kicked about the room. Futilely placating an ego gone mad. That is all about the fetishes and kinks.
Both seem equally honest expressions of desire. Tender submission, brutal control: either or both.
But I never imagine being untrue to myself. Celibacy is better than falsity.
Perhaps I’ll seek to actualize those needs: can I really expect to meet someone here in Durham, NC? Should move on to other aspects of myself?
Later
The preceding was written a week ago. It seems as true now as then.
The generalized submissive desire is very strong. Really stronger than the desires for the harsh (or wanted in combination with the extreme). But linked with emotions that are at least quasi-romantic, hence, much less likely or realization.
The ‘abusive’ play is quite real but - I keep bouncing against this - emotional competence that is probably rare. I know of people capable of that but they aren’t within my current possibilities.
The uncertainty remains exceptionally stressful.
There is also a fear that need (lust) might move me to be reckless or foolish.
Perhaps I’m guilty of over thinking this. Not that I care to think of that as a real possibility. The ultimate solution won’t be some sort of black of white answer. It will be a shade of gray, a compromise.
But compromises can be lovely examples of satisfying sanity.
