In Search Of

Personals are difficult. I often include qualities that irritate some and attract others - like the fact that I am talkative. If someone does not want a talkative partner, they should look elsewhere, but there are probably people who like the idea.

What are you like? Sensitive, thoughtful, but practical-minded. Reclusive (?) but you enjoy deep connections. You want “sensation play” and you can be deeply submissive, but aren’t sure you are looking to go there with a partner - it would have to develop over time if at all. You have diverse and strange interests but are not (perhaps) snooty about them. You’re flexible and adaptive but have a steely core.

Well, those are some guesses, anyway. Remember, an ad is just to attract someone enough for them to want to meet you. Show signs of intelligence, thoughtfulness, and that you realize other people are really humans with their own needs. (This isn’t advice I’d give a woman, but it might work if you’re trying to attract one. If you’re trying to attract men, I don’t know what would be the best idea.)

When you’re ready, you might check out Craigslist, in case that’s not obvious. I tried searching personals in your area for “submissive” or “dominant” and there was enough promising stuff there that it could be worth following up on. It’s kind of a low-yield environment, but so is everything.

My original personal (it eventually evolved into Pansexual Sodomite) web presence started as a five or so page personal ad of sorts. (And who could tell it would eventually evolve into thousands of damned pages on so many sites!) Or, more properly, a supplement to my profiles and personals.

I turned ISO into virtually an industrial project. I had multiple accounts and profiles on Yahoo, what is now called MSN, sites I don’t even remember. I even joined AOL (and met my lover before Alexandra).

Having a site to point people to was a great way to weed people out. Particularly – and I think you’ll really appreciate this – the people who didn’t bother to look at it.

Eventually in my relentlessness I crafted separate sites for my kinky top and bottom sides. The top got the same garbage you are familiar with. The bottom got nice emails from women who lived thousands of miles away. The guys were either nice but equally distant or nearby and jerks. “I am an Alpha Male, kneel before my typos and worship.”

I might do something like that again if I decide to actually look. Which, sadly, I think will become necessary. This site is too damned big and as I’ve evolved possibly seemingly contradictory for someone who isn’t otherwise interested.

I’m not at all vain about my enthusiasms. They are part of my way of enjoying life. All I ask is that others not take offence if I can’t share theirs. (And if they like to talk Klingon then we don’t need to proceed any further.)

Thanks for mentioning Craigslist. Since it appeared since my earlier search I tend to forget about it. My first thought was CollarMe.

You know I’d actually thought of asking your advice so this comment is especially welcome.

(I hope anybody else who feels like kibitzing will do so.)

Kibitzing is also a good word.

But the top, unless what we want meshes perfectly, would have to be a genius at compromise.

Most good tops are. Or perhaps I say this with a biased viewpoint, because I not only do compromise, I like compromise. It seems to me that adjusting one’s play to best suit one’s partner results in a greater kickback, so to speak.

Any relationship, casual or serious, is going to meet in and play out on some middle ground. Of course, you know this. The saying I have heard used is that a person, when presented with a partner’s needs, should be “good, giving, and game.”

Things to put in a profile. Well Richard, you’re self-aware. (I realize I am obsessed with that phrase, but bear with me.) Most people aren’t; and the people who are understand how important it is. If you’re writing a list of your qualities, for better or worse, that’d be my first choice.

I admit, I find you challenging. It might be worth mentioning that. I’m sure a seasoned and advanced dominant would appreciate your honesty and the sense of challenge.

And that you are ‘difficult’ in some ways doesn’t reduce the value of your submission, as you probably know.

It might be worth mentioning that you are fiercely independent, and yet adaptive. You choose how you want to adapt to the dominant though I suppose a very powerful dominant might find ways of shaping you that I didn’t.

Ouch.

I would certainly try CollarMe. All I ask is that you make it clear you’re involved with someone, and that anyone you get involved with doesn’t disrespect our relationship… Which I can’t see you putting up with anyway.

Eileen,

Self-awareness is one of the most desirable of human qualities.

If I thought that I might catch someone of your quality I could just write “Self-aware, self-realizing, self-actualizing bottom seeks similar top” followed by an outline of my kinks.

It might be worth mentioning that you are fiercely independent, and yet adaptive.

Sounds like a good way to say it.

Heh. Flatterer.

You could try it. Maybe you’ll be surprised.

I guess you’re not talking to me… I’m more of a flattener ^_^

Speaking of writing introductions and taglines for oneself, now I’ve actually got around to making myself a user account on Fetish Lore, and I realized it’s been about an age and a half since I had to write an introduction for myself that wasn’t in the form of a theatre biography.

I sympathize more and more. I feel awkward describing myself before strangers.

For me the best form of self-description is anecdotes about myself but that requires too many words given the limited space. Not to mention patience of potential readers.

Out of frustration with the lack of understanding for the phrase “self-awarness” (why do most people seem to think it means that I’m aware of my own existence, as if I were nothing more than a machine who suddenly became self aware), I used and still use the phrase “intelligent and self-reliant” on several profiles.

Of course, that is hardly the same thing, but whatever.

I’ve never met anybody with that mechanistic sense of the words.

The wording you use sounds much better. “Self-aware” sounds like you are patting yourself on the back for being such a swell person.

Writing personals can be so hard.

Someone once told me that a personal ad should have three major components: a basic description of who you are, what kind of person and/or relationship you’re looking for, and what you have to offer.

Personally, aside from the bare bones things like orientation, age, etc, I try to state the major things about myself that are most likely to bother people, like being fat, to get that shit out of the way. The rest of it is usually irreverant self-flattery interspersed with cheerful self-deprecation. But that’s just me.

Good luck in your search!

Trying to figure out what will bother people is much of what I’m thinking about. Or you might say I’m trying to figure out how to weed out the wrong people early on.

“… trying to figure out how to weed out the wrong people early on.”

Yeah, that’s what I meant. God, my verbal skills seem to be decreasing instead of increasing the past few years.