Dominas ISO ... ?
» Miscellany
This was meant to be a comment on someone else’s blog. After I knocked it out I wasn’t sure it was apposite. I’ve met people through newspaper ads and the web. The possibly dominant woman - who knows she’s more than just that - can find dating possibly submissive men messy. Especially if she’s looking for more than a doormat. A few hasty notes I need to return to one day.
I hate sounding like an advice columnist. Susie Bright I’m not.
There’s looking for a full-blown relationship and an encounter. Both are hard. Even if you aren’t kinky. The first is the hardest.
Too keep this from getting too long let us assume that exploring your desire to dominate is most important. I’m working from this angle because I’ve been involved with some fine people where the erotic match wasn’t there and it died (and I like men, women, drag queens and am happy and can switch is in D/s).
If you meet someone who enjoys being on the other half of the D/s dynamic and you mesh sexually there’s the chance it will grow into more. If you meet someone you really like and you aren’t sexually compatible it will grow into less.
Having simple encounters gives you a chance to explore what you want: define and refine it. Get out of fantasies into real needs.
For a long time when I thought of BDSM I just wanted to beat the Hell out of me and that was it. Then an old friend confessed her sadistic desires and I found myself in a relationship where we spend most of our time as just a couple. But there are nights when she does beat me, humiliate me: we love it.
Before that I had a few sessions with people I met from the web. Some were good, some weren’t. Even the latter were better than nothing. I learned.
If you do present yourself as a dominant woman on CollarMe or Nerve or wherever be warned. You’ll hear from many needy men who are really greedy. “I’ll do anything they’ll say.” What they mean is they want you to fulfill their fantasies to the letter.
I’m not saying you should adopt the stance of the Femdom bitch. But do wait for the guy who can at least have an online conversation with you.
Do all the standard careful things. Only meet with someone willing to sit have coffee with you in a neutral public place (my own standard whether meeting a transvestite or boy). If it doesn’t feel right, just move on.
Dating in whether on the web or not, D/s or not leaves you meeting many men you wish you’d never met.
After weeding out 99.99% of them I’ve formed a couple of very important relationships. That one after four years of life together ended in disaster had nothing to do with the web. I was making the same mistakes before the WWW.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained: even clichés can be true.
Possibly relevant (if only as an example of what a dominant woman might expect of a man that approaches her): How to Woo a Domme Online.
Comments
If you do present yourself as a dominant woman on CollarMe or Nerve or wherever be warned. You’ll hear from many needy men who are really greedy. “I’ll do anything they’ll say.” What they mean is they want you to fulfill their fantasies to the letter.
This is true. I observed that a lot of these so called subs online just think only of their needs. They present them selves as subs/slaves who would do anything for you but once you start talking with them you would realize they want you do things a certain way or you have to conform to their needs. If you tell them you don’t want to do what they want you to do and that your needs are different, they would start begging, then whining, then demanding and finally dissing/cussing/cursing you.
You presented a very sensible and practical piece of advice here. Thanks for the insight.
Posted by: Pinay D | April 30, 2005 7:12 PM
Discovering how confused and demanding the men that will approach them must be a common right of passage for many women who?ve just become aware of their desires. I felt great reluctance to seem to be adopting the role of advisor so your confirmation means a lot to me. Thanks.
Posted by: Richard | April 30, 2005 8:57 PM
Unfortunately, people turn to submission (and dominance too) for different reasons. Some submissives are genuinely unbalanced and have ‘fallen’ into the position. As such they do not handle it well. They are sore and angry, they make demands because they do not understand their situation and want their fetishes answered, since this will provide partial releif from the condition. They need a part of their mind to be obliterated, but they refuse to ask nicely.
The remainder have chosen submission and haven’t been forced into it by pressure beyond their control. They don’t /have/ to be submissive, but they enjoy it. You can spot them a mile off because they know how to instinctively be submissive and revel in it. They aren’t forceful because there’s no urgency and they’re in control (yes, in control of being not in control). There’s no animosity and instead a fuller understanding of the whole D/s equation.
Posted by: Alexandra | May 1, 2005 12:26 PM
I like the last part of Alexandra’s comment. She’s right, this applies to both dommes and subs.
Posted by: Pinay D | May 2, 2005 9:54 PM
Thank you for this—what a lovely piece of advice to come back to!
Posted by: D. | May 3, 2005 4:42 PM
Happy to know you enjoyed it. I wasn’t sure so I made it a post here rather than a comment on your own site.
Posted by: Richard | May 3, 2005 5:29 PM