Unwell
» Miscellany
Damn, I’ve been sick for almost all of January. My lifestyle boiled down to sitting on the couch, coughing, shivering, passing out. And watching Doctor Who for the first time in a very, very long while. That and poverty row crime movies from the 1930s have been my main amusements. Really, though sleeping has been my favorite pastime.
I’m mostly over it. But still feel a chill in a warm room so I’m not yet fully recovered.
Being ill kills all interest in submission and dominance: sexuality period. Actually I can still see myself at a woman’s feet. But my masochism is dead. I kind of hate having the appetites gone but they wouldn’t serve any purpose right now.
While denuded of my own drives what strikes me most is how some people are engaged in an ongoing effort to realize perfectly their needs for submission and dominance. Their continual weighing of their performance against ideals in their minds, their partners’ minds, other folks on the web (whose lives may be wholly imaginary - how can you ever know).
I have great respect for that ongoing self-measurement. Sure, you may not need it. But that frequent self-testing appeals to the part of myself that is unable to stop hoping for some sort of superior self-realization, certainty that I’m being as true to myself as possible. Those who are content with who they are and those who weigh their lives with an eye toward a not quite clear, perhaps unachievable goal: this is one of the greatest divisions in the human race. Invisible to the majority.
Comments
Awwwww, sweetie. I wish you lived right here. I make some killer soup. (Killer in a good way of course.)
hugs! E
Posted by: Elizabeth | January 26, 2008 9:09 PM
That would be swell.
Thanks!
Posted by: Richard | January 27, 2008 12:16 PM
I am sorry that you are not feeling well. I know that if I am sick, the mental and spiritual energy that I need in order to top somone one is just not going to be there.
Likewise the masochist in me just can’t seem to take as much pain or even draw the energy it normally gives me.
I think if you have been practicing bdsm for any length of time you quickly realize that often “Life” steps in and well there are times when you simply are not going feel it.
Having been in a 24.7 relationship with my 1st husband, I do know about the guilt of not be able to perform all my duties as I would normally when sick..I let those sort of hangups cloud my judgement and self worth long ago.
Today I am more secure with who I am and if there is a period of illness I certainly know that who I am hasn’t changed or disappeared simply because I am not up for it.
I hope that you begin to feel better Richard.
Posted by: Mz. Carmen | January 28, 2008 12:49 AM
Sadly my inability to engage in BDSM when sick may have played a role in the end of my last relationship.
Thanks.
Posted by: Richard | January 28, 2008 6:49 AM
sorry to hear you’ve been sick Richard. Nothing kills lust faster than being sick. I wish you a speedy recovery.
Posted by: MissBonnie | January 28, 2008 8:20 AM
Richard,
i’m sure my first dominant fantasy was The Master. Those black clothes, the attitude, i was completely entranced, would have fallen at his feet to serve him gladly.
doll
Posted by: dollinparadise | January 29, 2008 6:28 AM
When I ran into the Tom Baker Doctor Who - nearly omniscient, free, righting wrongs - it was such pure wish fulfillment that I was overwhelmed.
I wonder how many people shared your feelings about The Master.
Posted by: RIchard | January 29, 2008 3:30 PM