Asymmetry of BDSM Desires (A Follow-Up)
» My Inner Life
I want to clarify a little an earlier note about my fear of being out of synch with Alexandra.
When I awoke to my sexuality at the late age of seventeen-going-on-eighteen I quickly made up for my dilatoriness. In that time and place someone to sleep with was often no more distant that meeting a friend of a friend. I was lucky enough to meet fey boys who liked my “steely blue eyes”.
Being in love with love I had or tried really hard to have longer attachments rooted in affection. Really I was dangerously addicted to romance but don’t want to go there.
A few quickies on both sides of the power exchange aside my masochism and slavishness never found expression until Alexandra and I got together. And being whipped and degraded felt so keen it only made me want more.
Far more than my beloved and it caused tension. Not distinctly a BDSM problem. A disparity of desires has distorted, even destroyed many a love affair.
I’d hoped more experience would lessen the frustration but the two of us faced a damnable obstacle in just being together at times: my (now deceased) ex-lover.
And our separations sort of resets things. And I curse the forces that have kept us from being together continuously the last year. Otherwise we’d have a better grasp on how addicted I may be to BDSM and found out the means to deal with it.
The clarification I wanted to make:
But I’ve never really feared that I’d treat Alexandra less affectionately. I love her too deeply. I’m just not that kind of man.
My fear as been that on a raw erotic level I might find it hard or impossible to escape my appetite for S&M and D/s. I’ve been lucky enough to have more sexual variety within me than most people. But there’s no denying that the libido can lay down its own laws. And there are times when they are as irresistible as the law of gravitation.
I’m not sitting about the house fretting about this. (But I am fishing a bit for comments from folks who may have lived through coping with and addressing this kind of imbalance.)
Comments
I have the opposite problem. I’m in the midst of perhaps really falling for a vanilla man whom I have known for quite some time. He doesn’t like the whole whips and spanking thing. My friends say that I should move on because I’ll always been to torture and humiliate those I love… but a vanilla man will never understand it. And I will therfore have to find another way to get my needs met. Which breaks my heart because I thought I could do the whole purely vanilla thing. We shall see.
Posted by: GDS | November 14, 2005 7:39 PM
My own sad experience has been that even the most humane and intelligent people never win when they try to compromise their sexual needs.
I’m not fool enough to offer you advice but I do wish you the best of luck and all the happiness you can find.
Posted by: Richard | November 14, 2005 7:47 PM
GDS, If I may ask a question: will you be happy with a man who cannot express his love through submission? Will you be happy if you cannot express your love through dominance? I’ve never been in a D/s relationship I’m sorry to say, but I’ve been submissive in all of my vanilla relationships, and wouldn’t have been happy otherwise.
Posted by: CaptainTripps | November 15, 2005 8:52 AM
CaptainTripps, Life is all yin and yahng for me. If something’s not working in one area… it effect the others. By that same token, I do think that I could be happy sexually if I cannot express my love through dominance as long as I can have that dominance some place else. My worry is that if I do that, my dominance will manifest itself in a negative way. Such as with bitchy moods and irrational daily demands.
I am not certain that I will be happy with a man who cannot express his love through submission but part of me wants to try. Oddly enough, this new man is rather dominant in bed but submissive in life.
Sorry for taking up space to answer this semi-off topic question, Richard… Feel free to delete. :)
GDS
Posted by: GDA | November 23, 2005 8:15 PM
Richard, You’re quotable. Must be all that time you’ve spent analyzing your own sexuality. I agree that people never win when they try to compromise their sexual needs. But I suppose that I’m young enough that I can afford to make a few mistakes in the emotional regard. I’m not the marriage and 2.5 kids kind of woman… probably won’t be for many years. So until I can find someone who can simultaneously makes me sigh and wet with just a look (you don’t have a 20-something younger brother like you, do you?), I’m flitting from experience to experience.
Posted by: GDS | November 23, 2005 8:30 PM
My sister sometimes worriedly says she thinks her oldest son is like me. But he’s a bit too young.
Flitting from experience to experience is fun. On my other personal site I posted a couple of notes about people - gay men actually - who get so hung up on finding some imaginary Mr. Right that they don’t have any experiences.
Shudder.
If I remember aright you’ll be leaving the country soon. Hope you find some nice submissive guys to play with wherever you are going.
Posted by: Richard | November 24, 2005 7:35 AM