BDSM: Adapting & Clarifying

I’ve been lax in discussing how things went between Alexandra and myself before she left. Things I’ve learned.

(Alexandra shakes her head at reading this and wonders how I can possibly say this about myself after proving such a pain sponge.)

Not that I don’t like, love pain.*

It is my perspective that has changed. There were times when I once thought physical pain might be all I wanted.

Bondage: cuffs, chains, collars - I knew how exciting I felt they’d be. They proved to figure more strongly in my needs than even I’d expected. The tangible helplessness that doesn’t even require obedience because choice has been removed.

Humiliation: whether it is being used or made to eat crushed food from the floor - ! I’m not going to try to sum it up: masochism of the ego. In face slapping physical pain dovetails into shame. The shame partly in knowing she can treat me with contempt whenever and as often as she wishes.

Obedience: not really the word I want. We obey parents, employers and cops without pleasure. It is more a supra-obedience where your own will vanishes.

I’m going to try to develop these themes more fully later.

What I’ve learned is that my needs either adjust after each new experience or become more fully revealed. Likely both.

Many dominants and slaves, I imagine, have been a little surprised to see how experience reshapes and clarify what they hope to get out of their roles.

* Like and love meaning that the experience has great erotic power. Still can’t figure out a proper masochist’s vocabularly.