Contingency

Clarity is a wonderful goal but it can be might frustrating. We can approach it only - as a mathematician might put it - asymptotically.

I sometimes make a vice of it and in trying to be honest. My perpetual quest to capture each nuance of my inner life even wearies me sometimes. And probably some people who get to witness it. Maybe even some of you.

So when I look back a couple of days and talk about feeling a loss when I don’t feel submissive my inner daemon pops up and says “But often you are perfectly happy when you are in a vanilla (hate that word) mood and wouldn’t have it otherwise.”

Just as whether or not I an attain a submissive state, how much I may wish to is contingent on all sort of interior and exterior factors. Like much of my sexuality it is variable and subject to change without notice.

I don’t much regret this. Worrying only how it may affect someone I care for.

So I do hope to manage some internal consistency when Alexandra is back (counting the days … ).

That right balance between simplicity and complexity. Will I ever find it?