Current Sense of Sexuality
» My Inner Life
A man - given the builtin Lust-O-Meter between his thighs - can’t hide it.
How to sum this up clearly … - ? - … the words escape me …
I don’t feel very sexual. But I do feel strongly erotic.
This is akin to my saying I felt adoring without feeling submissive: uncertainty of how to express my feelings pushes me to dubious dichotomies.
Actual asexuality would be emotional death. Some men seem to believe themselves to be pure service robots: not me.
At bedtime when habit turns my mind to fantasy the images are mostly of me kneeling before Alexandra. Maybe licking her boot, perhaps rubbing my cheek again her thigh, or just below her with my head bowed. No stories: just quiet devotion.
No complaint: it is beatific. Maturity warns me that once she’s back my wants may not be so simple. Impossible purity doesn’t dishonor images of surrender. Even if my life will not be so encapsulated it is pleasant to picture my desires so cleanly circumscribed. Defined and confined by her will.
Some nights I stroke myself. Rarely to orgasm. Not that I’m forbidding myself. The sensations in my phallus are a legitimate connection to my lover. After basking for a time as one might in summer sunlight I withdraw my hand content to turn over and go to sleep.
My sexuality seems to be deeply enmeshed in feelings of humility, surrender. The final phase of my torrid fantasies focused mostly on emotional programming, psychological objectification. Then and now relate somehow.
Part of me wonders if this sounds pathetic. Not that I’m fretting about the opinions of others (Alexandra aside). I’m comfortable with this mood.
Comments
It sounds perfect to me. And as long as we are both happy, that’s the main thing.
I’m sure your sexual side will spring back to life when we’re reunited soon. So will the complications, no doubt, but hopefully we’ll more prepared for them.
Posted by: Alexandra | December 29, 2006 6:03 PM
I’m feeling very good about it all - aside from not being with you.
And don’t doubt our ability to cope with flux.
Posted by: Richard | December 30, 2006 3:14 PM
I think you both have such a strong bond that you will naturally regain your sexual drive when reunited. After all, as we know, D/s is more about the state of mind than anything else. It’s always complex and that, for me, is part of its appeal… never dull, ever-changing.
Posted by: Mistress Sky | December 31, 2006 3:45 AM
I don’t feel any real discontent with my current mood. Only would if I feared it would cause some conflict. Though - as I wrote - am trying to figure out how it connects with some things that were passing through my mind earlier.
Posted by: Richard | December 31, 2006 6:14 PM