Damned With Asexuality

A webmaster of several years I watch my logs and note the random surges in new visitors.

Howdy y’all as we say down here in the deep south of the US (actually I’ve never known anybody other than myself who says howdy). As an old series of novels used to invite “spit on the mat and call the cat a bastard” (both of the latter are female I never had a clue why someone would spit on a mat).

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As I write my beloved is on the other side of an ocean. I sit in our house by myself. Not the first time since we came together that circumstances forced us to be apart. I hate it more.

I feel neutered, sexless.

Last time she was away I often writhed and wriggled in my bed at night my mind burning with images of being on my knees worshipping her shoes.

Don’t get me wrong. The thought of my tongue moving across her heel fills me with a happy glow. Really.

But I don’t feel much lust. About anything.

Somehow feeling asexual seems worse than that old devil frustration.

Not that sexual frustration is a good thing. I’ve seen men deny commonplace sexual needs only to wind up as human wreckage.

Sexual need can be enabling.

As a young man it was the desire to wrap my arms about the naked body of a pretty boy that kicked me out of a damaged adolescence and put me on the road to self-realization.

Sexual appetite can be energizing and motivating. The untapped force can be channeled into anything from simply getting mundane tasks accomplished to creative expression.

With erotic passion dead you can wonder why should I bother to get out of the chair, read a book, watch a movie. Is this breathing business really necessary?

This isn’t just about being horny. If I want an orgasm I can masturbate. But the sound of one hand slapping doesn’t compare to the pleasure in the other.

Whether we want to surrender or take power or don’t give a damn about either we dance to the rhythms of our hormones.

I want my libido back.