Fantasies fade
» My Inner Life
Not having played much and feeling a momentarily disorientation I wanted to revisit some old fantasies.
But when I reentered my inner BDSM amusement park I found the place dusty with disuse. The Totura-A-Rama had lost its luster. Grime and rust kept the cogs of the Whip Slide from turning. Most of the lights in the S&M Picture Palace had burnt out.
To be less quaint: it was hard to sustain a fantasy for even two minutes. Familiarity let me summon up the old images of bondage and pain but there was no real will to sustain even the most fragmentary story.
Probably for the best. Not that Alexandra minds my perverse dreams. Some things are outside her appetites or squick her. I might as well at least enjoy them virtually. That my heart holds fast to what I have rather than retreat to what I don’t is sane.
I still like to look at pictures.
Lately I’ve caught myself fixed on two main sorts of images.
Men bound flat on belly and chest to benches, their limbs attached to the sides. One ore more women stand ready with whips and straps. Bound whippings are my core fantasy but I’ve never focused quite so much on a specific arrangement.
Cruel teasing is the other idée fix. Mostly Sardax drawings: a youth bound in the heat offered just the smallest taste of water; a man having coffee poured on his head. There are others but often the quality of the image can’t be captured in words. Subtle heartlessness is the theme I think.
Men wearing cuffs, collars, leashes licking a woman’s boots never tire me. Boot adoration - mild or groveling - always connects me to Alexandra. (And kept me from sleeping when images of hers have invaded my mind at the wrong time.)
That I can’t relive my old narratives of cbt, harsh bondage and dark humiliation leaves me feeling a little deprived. Not badly. I recognize the limitation as healthy.
Do most people lose their fantasies when given a happy reality?
Comments
I’m not entirely sure. I find it hard to keep track of my sex drive, since depression, the lousy lifestyle that results from depression, and the drugs that treat the depression, all smack my sex drive upside the head. This makes it pretty difficult to understand what’s going on, much as I try to understand what I want at any given time. That said, yes, I think so, up to a point. Now that I’ve got a lover who’s happy to explore the kinkier side, I find that fantasising about her seems exploitative. I also find that the escalation of kinky fantasies happens less when they’re getting fulfilled. I find that I don’t miss it - but then again, that could be the antidepressants. Grins ruefully Sex is so complicated!
Posted by: Lorna | July 5, 2005 7:01 PM
Having your libido slip and slide out of your control can be pretty distressing. Wish you the best with that.
I find that fantasizing about her seems exploitative.
I partly agree. When I’m thinking of something simple like licking her boots I don’t feel guilty. But I’m unable to work up fantasies featuring her that cater to my various fetishes because, as you say, it seems exploitative.
It is healthy and natural for fantasies to dim when you have a lover.
I still miss my ‘kinky playground’ but not seriously.
Posted by: Richard | July 5, 2005 9:07 PM
My life has been cursed with many years of dark depression with the only spark of life was as self administered orgasm.This was my life as I longed for bondage,beatings,and more orgasms.I wanted my fantasy,how and when I wanted it.I got lost in the chase and almost gave up.Don’t go there,it really sucks.The best fantasy may not be ours,but someone elses.You said somthing when you were lead by the balls around the backyard,just before you passed out.You said Alexandra frightened you,WOW,WHAT A FANTASY!It may not be the scripted fantasy we dream.However,Alexandra has probably heard all of your darkest desires.Some guys strap themselves to jet planes and land on ships in the dark.Others strap themselves to strong,”frightening”women and know the crash may only be the begining.All adventures are uncertain and filled with danger WOW!Create a safe place for Alexandra to play,no pressure,no expectation,no score keeping,and no script,you may have all of the fantasy you can survive.Mistress looses all drive with one hint of pressure.I have never been surprised by any of my fantasies,because I already know them.I now hold on for dear life.
Posted by: Dave | July 10, 2005 8:55 PM