Libido Can Be Funny

Biology has alerted me that I still have a sex drive if only of a mild sort.

But I feel - and there goes any pretensions to virility - feel mostly anorgasmic. That biases me again toward male tops in BDSM. Dominant women — men who feel guilty of any sex other than cunnilingus or profess a desire for a lifetime with their penis imprisoned aside — like copulation. Having been one I know that many a gay male top doesn’t regret - may even enjoy - guys who regard their penis as no more than a decoration.

I wonder if I’d enjoy what long ago was called ‘Greek passive’ in BDSM. I’ve rarely minded doing so but have even more rarely been thrilled by penetration. Would power exchange increase my pleasure?

My feelings of nonsexuality stem partly from a lack of orientation. I don’t know what - who - to want. I seem to need a particular object of desire.

Some years back in slightly similar circumstances I felt a lively apprehension of all the possiblities.

Now I seem to need an orientation - bias, preference - a goal. But it feels impossible to see a goal without a person. My erotic adaptability has become self-defeating. Without a person to whom to adapt I become neuter.

The other confusing element is the level of emotional involvement.

For certain things I’m comfortable with none whatsoever. Among the possible people here in North Carolina that I’ve seen most tops seem to be looking for lifemates. Or a bit icky.

Given a bit of clarity and practicality there are at least 21, 931 scenes I’d like to try. Pity clarity is one of the least common qualities in human beings.

Here in the great Tarheel State those looking for relationships have all the 24/7 ‘true slave’ patter going. Out there somewhere is probably someone who has a vision of ‘lifestyle’ D/s I can share. But I’m not going to waste time on the infinitely unlikely.

But even without kink the people for whom I can feel emotional attachment are very scarce indeed. That isn’t to say that I might not run across an emotionally intelligent top. But for now here in NC those folks are invisible.

For now I seem a bit lost in ifs and maybes.

Time of course is famously healing.

Addendum

I think what I’m trying to say is:

I’ve spent the last seven or so years in love with someone.

One lover was bad and with the other there were many significant separations. But there was always a beloved to give me focus. Without someone to care for in a special way I’m lost.

For a long time I’ve felt that I’m too romantic. The loveydovey stuff is grand. It can also be a limitation. Even a poison.