Masochism: Earliest Stirrings

I've often felt my father would've blown his brains out if he had some way of understanding the effect of a whipping he once gave me. Or perhaps dashed mine out.

I was about eight; evidently I'd sassed the lady who supervised the neighborhood playground. Hard to believe: I was a disgustingly respectful child. When my father came home he had me drop my pants, bend over the bed and whipped me (memory says it was a switch but I've sometimes wondered if it wasn't just his belt).

The whipping was one of the first erotic experiences of my life and I've been trying to recapture it ever since. Not that I'd understand that until at least ten years later.

But I do remember repeatedly wishing someone would spank me. (I was spanked only one more time. By my mother. All I remember is that I forced myself to keep quiet lest it awake my sleeping father and he give me another.)

About twelve or so I did get a guy to tie me up. But it led to nothing. He wanted a blowjob and back then I found the taste of his penis nasty. Whether he was singularly unblessed or my erotic sensibilities were immature I can't say. He was an outcast or I'd probably never have tried with him. I never did with anyone else.

Also while very young I witnessed a man tied to a rack being tortured with hot coals. Probably some Arabian Nights movie of the time. That became another staple of my young fantasies.

Unlike many other young men who were attracted to their own sex I did not grow up having fantasies of being called a "faggot" and fellating jocks. My BDSM dreams were almost all masochistic. I did have a desire for someone to take charge and order me around but the desire to submit wasn't nearly as strong as that of being tortured.

Not that I'd really be conscious of my masochistic appetites until about the time I turned eighteen.