Midnight Doubts
» My Inner Life
Do you ever - if only for a fragment of a second - doubt your kinky inclinations?
Tana Louise was a fetish model about the same time as the more famous Ms. Page. I like a woman who knows how to use her hands.
Last night I awoke in the middle of the night. Did I really mean everything I’ve written here? Or had they sprung from some false construction of myself I’d made out of fantasies?
For a time I felt I’d been perpetrating some ghastly hoax on myself.
I imagined a lash biting into my skin, pictured myself licking my beloved’s boot: my quickened pulse and a stirring below put my mind at rest.
I think my recent outpouring of words here and the accompanying conversations with Alexandra had culminated in a sort of psychic orgasm. I’d summoned up all my pent erotic energy and dispelled it with words. Not to forget that good talk with her always calms me.
And it is my nature to second-guess myself.
And these kinds of doubts can emerge when you feel a little asexual. Perhaps tired from work, too much worry about other things. Pity the latter can have that effect. A little BDSM can wipe away the day’s cares.
This reminded me of an afternoon last week.
I came home looking forward to writing an entry. No idea what I’d write about. Anymore than when I switched to Word to start this I rarely have any idea of what I’m going to say.
But I was feeling infernally horny. So I stripped, stretched on the bed. Summoning up some of my favorite images of suffering I wanked.
When I sat at the computer my imagination was completely dead. All of my creative energy had departed with my sperm.
If there’s a moral to all this I’ll leave it to you to find it.
Comments
Was your doubting caused by my own questioning recently? Or a personal response to it?
I can’t imagine you wondering if you’re not kinky for any real length of time. Of course, I sometimes wonder if I have what it takes to be a Domme or even just myself…
Posted by: Alexandra | January 14, 2006 7:11 PM
No, I think it was thinking about it so closely and intensely. (Er, the heavy self-pleasuring might be a factor.)
It was very short-lived, nothing serious.
You are a very wonderful Domina.
Being yourself can be a lifetime job. Worth it.
Posted by: Richard | January 14, 2006 7:20 PM
Oh, I just spotted the moral ;)
Posted by: Alexandra | January 15, 2006 4:47 PM
Nice pic by the way. Do you have a full size version? I think it’s a catsuit with spurs on the boots.
Posted by: Alexandra | January 15, 2006 4:48 PM
I always knew you had moral insight …
I have a bigger copy of the photo. I was wondering about the spurs but thought I was just projecting one of my fantasies.
Posted by: Richard | January 15, 2006 4:56 PM
Have I ever doubted it?
Um, no…SM isn’t something I am always doing.
But it is always part of who I am.
Posted by: R | January 15, 2006 11:36 PM
It has long been my experience that men are useless after orgasm. Totally, utterly useless. I quit bothering to expect more than snores years ago, way before pet though he fits the mold.
That’s just one reason I am infatuated with denial.
I have doubted my feelings many times. To be a Domme means asking things of someone that are ridiculous, indulgent and disrespectful if they are not interested. It is a hard line to walk—I love my nature, but I realize I want/demand things that are not generally accepted in society.
I’m also firmly in the closet. Few people in my life outside the kinkernet have any idea about my proclivities. I’m not ashamed, but I have no interest in trying to defend myself. I’m a fairly open person in general, so I find it tough to keep this big part of my daily life secret. Sometimes, I feel doubt because of the secrecy.
Posted by: Her | January 16, 2006 9:00 AM
I’ve always been open about my sexuality. With D/s I’ve decided I’d just rather not have to bother with explaining it. That may change but isn’t something I’m giving any thought to right now.
I’ve read enough of your entries to know that what the two of you have is pretty good and nothing to have doubts about.
Posted by: Richard | January 16, 2006 1:26 PM