My Feminization Fantasy (Sort of)

Suddenly remembered this fantasy.

Fantasizing about men started sometimes in my early teens. That I was attracted to men I didn’t yet consciously know. (Eventually I would identify as gay, briefly bisexual before settling on pansexual.)

It must have been when my fantasies of being trapped on a desert island with a sadist started. Where did that come from? I don’t know I certainly didn’t know that erotic consensual sadomasochism existed.

Since the man would’ve preferred to be trapped with a woman (once I came to identify as gay this deeply embarrassed me).

I was made to let my hair grow long and shave my body. A small apron hid my penis.

No makeup, being called “bitch.” It’d be a long time before I learned about people who do that. He just made me look more like what he wanted.

I don’t think I could’ve processed violence toward femininity. To me female meant my mother and she had been abused. (Given how much I identified with my mother it sometimes surprises me that I grew up to conventionally masculine instead of transgendered.)

That was it, not much excitement.